A Home

We’ve escaped winter for a brief getaway to my family’s vacation house in a warm and sunny place.  It has been nice to get away, especially for my husband who worked 16 days straight before we left.  My Sunshine misses our dogs, though, and keeps calling for her favorite, my shepherd mix.

I love coming here.  It’s peaceful, quiet, relaxing and doesn’t involve interacting with anyone.  It is also filled with memories of my sister.  Of course, everything I do is clouded with her memory but when I come here, I see her everywhere and think of all the wonderful hours we spent together.

My Sunshine is sleeping in the room that Jen and her family used to stay in which is weird for me.  Typically I don’t ever need to go into this bedroom and I mostly have avoided it but for this trip, there was no other place for my baby to sleep, so we’ve been spending some time in there.  It just makes me feel sad when I’m lying on the bed watching movies.  I feel her presence, unless I’m imagining that, and I very well could be.

Then I had a dream the other night where I finally met my BIL’s girlfriend and she was a super mega bitch and there was a ton of animosity between us.  I felt like she was trying to take them away from me–well, I don’t really care about him, just my niece.  I woke up with a heavy feeling that I haven’t been able to shake.

We go home in a few days, back to the cold and snow and dogs and reality.  Not looking forward to it but not dreading it either.  Just trying to enjoy the time we have here and savor the precious minutes my family is together.

Family Stuff

My new baby nephew is home now and doing well, I hear.  So that is good to know.  I’m not sure when I’ll actually see the baby.  I foresee his parents being super protective of him, plus I don’t really feel like going out of my way for people who constantly make it difficult for us to see them in any capacity and keep us as far away from them as possible.  If we had any sort of relationship with them, I know I’d feel differently.  Current circumstances aside, they are incredibly selfish and self-centered and I don’t like to be around them.

My husband has decided that he is done with his sister for now.  He’s just not talking to her anymore, although I know it won’t be as severe as last time because he will still go to family gatherings and therefore, won’t be avoiding her completely.  But until she has gotten her shit together and proven she is on the straight and narrow, this is where he’s at.  I don’t know what to do.  He says he isn’t going to force me to take the same stance he is, but warned me that she will manipulate me and to be very careful.

I am pissed at her too.  I care so much for my nephew and of course, will still do whatever I can for him–send him cards, an occasional gift package like I usually do, etc.  Neither of us are going to abandon or desert my nephew.  But I feel I need to stand by my husband in this.  Plus,  I don’t feel like I really have enough of a relationship with his sister to stand on my own–it was more the two of us in a sibling relationship with her.  I can’t concern myself too much with how she’ll feel; I doubt she’d give the same amount of thought in return so why waste my energy.

For now, I don’t know what will happen with my nephew.  I would love to have him here with us.  I think it would be great for him.  Our home is always open, whenever it becomes necessary and my in-laws know this.  So we wait and see.

Turmoil

There’s a lot going on for my husband’s family.

First there was the early birth of my nephew, his subsequent hospitalization in the NICU and diagnosis of Down’s Syndrome.  Then 2 nights ago my husband’s sister wrecked her car in a DUI.  Keep in mind she is a recovering drug addict.  Who should not be drinking.

When he and I met 8 years ago, I couldn’t fathom the hows or whys behind his estrangement from his sister.  It never occurred to me that families could be like that.  I was so lucky to have a sister like Jen.  But to someone who had been continuously hurt, lied to and used, walking away from her, while no easy task, was the only option.  He did it for self-preservation.

It really irked me that they didn’t talk.  The rest of the family was in contact with her and I felt so left out.  After she had her son, my darling almost 7 year old nephew, I pushed him to try to close the gap.  I wrote her a letter.  18 months after his birth, we finally met.  From there I worked very hard to know her, to like her, to have her like me.  My husband was cautious but accepting.  She had been clean for a number of years and seemed to be on a good path.

Everything started going downhill about a year and a half ago.  She’s been different, lying, drinking, quick to anger.  And now this.

I feel guilty sometimes because it is all my doing that brought them back together.  And while it was ok at first, I have really been the catalyst for my husband to be hurt and used again and again.  Yet on the flip side, we have been able to develop a wonderful relationship with my nephew.  So there’s good with the bad.

But now…she needs help.  I don’t know what exactly will happen.  In the past, my husband’s parents have asked us if we’d be willing to take my nephew into our home and care for him, raise him, if it ever became necessary and we always say YES.  Without a doubt we would take him.  I would be terrified but that is what you do for your family.  And I know it would suck at first but we’d get through it and he would eventually adjust.

My husband’s mom called him yesterday to tell him what had happened, crying, asking once again if we’d take my nephew.  Nothing is set in stone now and most likely won’t happen for a number of months but it is a possibility.

He is so angry.  Angry at her and what she’s doing to her son.  Angry at her selfish actions and the consequences we all have to face because of them.  As if his parents don’t have enough going on with their new grandson, she goes and pulls this shit.  It is so selfish but really, she’s an addict.  And the only one she cares about is herself.

Now I am getting a taste of what he has gone through in the past.  I can finally understand why he did what he did.  I feel so sad for him that he has had to know this pain and has to relive it again.  At the same time, he is 10 years older, much wiser, a good man with a huge heart and so much love to give.  When he walked away from her last time, it was to save himself.   This time, I know he’ll walk away from her but not from his responsibility as an uncle and godfather to his nephew.  And at least now I’ll be here, next to him along the way.  Hopefully it won’t be so lonely this time around.

That New Baby

Oh, my new nephew.  This little preemie, this baby boy.  Everything is a mess.

Where do I start.  My SIL had him at home.  He was 4 weeks early so they were totally unprepared for a homebirth.  She didn’t believe the “sensations” she was feeling all day were contractions; the midwife wasn’t called until 1 AM and he was born at 2:58 AM.  He was a healthy weight, though, and seemed to be breathing fine.

However, on Thursday he stopped breathing and has since been admitted to the NICU.  He had a blood transfusion last night and a spinal tap today to determine the source of an infection.

He also has Down’s Syndrome.

I am concerned and worried for his immediate recovery.  I know that Down’s Syndrome opens the door for a whole host of medical problems.  They are currently running tests on him to determine how everything is working.  So far his heart is good.

Apparently at the 20 week ultrasound, they detected something odd and further probing with a geneticist revealed there could be a problem.  But I think my SIL thought it wouldn’t happen and now she is in a really bad place.

I feel all sorts of guilt.  I never wished anything bad for them but I have been so angry.  My baby is due in 4 months and so far, I have every reason to believe that he will be born normal and healthy.  Jeez, how do I delicately say this?  That he will be born without any abnormalities.

And then what?  Will they resent me/us?  I fear they already do because we have a girl and will be having a boy and I know my SIL was hoping for a girl.  It came to light over the holidays that they were pumped they got pregnant first, therefore securing their place in the family as the first couple with 2 kids.  The exact reason I was so pissed when I found out she was pregnant.  And now…it all seems so dumb.

I’m not trying to turn this around to be about me.  I’m super concerned about the baby and about my SIL, even though I dislike her, I feel a lot of pain for her right now.  It’s a lot to take in.  My in-laws have been out of the country and all of the information I’m getting is 3rd hand–my husband’s brother is calling his mom, she calls her daughter (my other SIL) who then calls me.

There’s no way to cleanly wrap this up.  I wish I prayed.  I want to say a prayer but that feels fake to me.  I’m just trying to think good thoughts and put some positive energy out into the world for the baby.  Please do the same if you can.

Baby

Did I mention it’s a boy?  Sonogram showed some definite boy bits.

Although I’ll believe it when I see it and as such, we’ll be choosing both girl and boy names, just to be safe.

In other news, my SIL had her baby boy this morning, 4 weeks early and at home.  Everyone is doing well, from what I hear through the family phone tree.  So that’s a relief.

Stranger

When Jen first got married, I liked her husband.  He seemed funny and nice, always cordial and easygoing.  I suppose I noticed his demeanor change when we all moved here and that could have been for so many different reasons–his wife’s illness, the sudden diagnosis and resulting loss of a baby, his wife’s family all up in his space all the time, his wife’s parents taking the lead in the medical realm of the fight, moving to a place he perhaps didn’t want to live and taking a job he didn’t want, the loss of his/their life.  Who knows.  It could be any or all of those things.

Now that she has been dead for over 2 years, he is like a stranger to me.  I never see him.  We never talk.  I can’t even remember the last time I had any contact with him until this past Monday when he came to pick up my niece on his way home from work.

So he walks in and starts bullshitting with my husband.  I mean, neither one of us wanted to talk to him and I am glad it wasn’t me.  My BIL stayed about 15-20 minutes, chatting (I honestly have no idea why, we all know he didn’t want to be there) and never once looked at me.  I went into the room where everyone had congregated and  sat down on the floor for a minute, trying to be polite but when it became apparent he wasn’t going to acknowledge me, I got up and went in to the kitchen to clean up after dinner.  I mean, I wasn’t going to waste my time sitting there and listen to them talk.  Boring.

I’m honestly not bothered by it at all.  I really just don’t care.  For whatever reason, he can’t or wouldn’t look at me.  It’s just a sign of how things are now.  If my husband hadn’t been home…we would have been forced to chat but I can guarantee he would not have stayed as long.

Eh, whatever.  My niece said she had a fantastic time playing with Sunshine and could she come over again?  I always tell her she is welcome any time.  It makes me feel so good that even though we don’t spend as much time together, she still loves me just as much.

They are trying to move forward in their life and I understand that.  It’s a necessary evil to leave the past behind, grow and change without your loved one.  We are all a part of it.  When Jen died I had 3 dogs, 2 cats and a husband.  Now I have all that plus a daughter and another baby on the way.  The world turns even though it seems, at the time, that everything is frozen and life will stop.  And it will, if you let it.  But is that fair?  It hurts just as much to continue as it does to remain the same.

Video

New Years Day, testing out her Daddy’s new cymbal.

ERGO contest

My friend Claire is doing an awesome giveaway on her blog–an ERGO baby carrier. This thing is terrific.  When I was pregnant with my Sunshine I regisitered for one on the recommendation of my SIL; I loved every second of use.  These days I don’t wear it so much anymore, now that my Sunshine is walking (running) everywhere and prefers not to be held.  Plus, we live in a suburban area so I don’t walk that many places with her.  For sure, though, if we lived in a more urban area I would still be getting a lot of use out of it.

These days my ERGO hangs in the front hall closet, waiting patiently for when Daydream is old enough to be worn in it.  I bought the infant insert for the ERGO but never used it.  It looked a little flimsy to me and I just didn’t really trust it.  Before my Sunshine fit into the ERGO, I used my Hotsling to carry her and that was awesome too.  But once she was big enough to straddle my front, I put her in the ERGO to do everything–walk the dogs, housework, naps (her, not me.)  I never tried her on my back…just never got around to it and haven’t really needed it.  Although perhaps I’ll give it a try in the spring when it’s dog walking weather again…although by that time, I may be too huge to walk the dogs.  I don’t want to think about that right now.

Anyway!  If you or anyone you know can use an ERGO, stop by Claire’s blog and enter the giveaway.  Or if you don’t know anyone who needs one, enter yourself and then give it to charity.

In case I get busy (lazy) and don’t blog, Happy New Year.  May it be safe, happy and healthy for you.

This Is It

I am finally realizing that the end of the year is just around the corner.  For some reason, nothing felt like anything this year.  I didn’t really do any holiday shopping since we agreed to only buy gifts for the kids.  For my niece I gifted a donation to our local Humane Society and planted some trees in memory of Jen (via Arbor Day Foundation.)  I did the same thing for my two nephews (changing the trees in memory to trees in celebration) but also bought them each a book.  My parents don’t want or need anything so they also got a Humane Society donation and for my in-laws, as a group the siblings and spouses gave them some golf lessons.  Pretty easy this year.

Some people will argue that small children don’t understand the gift of helping others but I believe that if you give it enough, they will get it eventually.  Both of my parents put a lot of pressure on me to also give my niece something tangible but I didn’t cave in.  That child has enough stuff and I feel like she doesn’t appreciate it.  The last thing I wanted to do was give her something that she’d forget about in a week.  Plus, we gave her a really nice birthday present less than a month ago.  Whether or not she understands now…I don’t know.  But when we celebrated together, she was telling me about a girl in her class who was doing charitable giving for the holidays.  So she obviously understands the concept.

Our Christmas was…hectic.  My husband had two days off so we drove up to the city to see his family.  Sunshine did great although she was a little cranky and I blame that on teething (she’s getting 3 teeth on the bottom, in the back) and over-stimulation.  We spent Christmas Eve with my brother-in-law and his wife, my in-laws and my SIL and her son.  I love my husband’s family but his brother and wife really piss me off.  They are so fucking selfish and self-centered and don’t give a shit about any of us.  Seeing them was less than thrilling.  We’re all supposed to fawn all over them and their son and they don’t even give my Sunshine a second glance.  Ugh.  I can’t get started talking about it because I get really, really angry.

Christmas day we all (minus my husband’s brother and family) drove out to my husband’s aunt’s house and spent the day their with his aunt, uncle and cousins.  They are a really cool family and I have always loved hanging out with them so that was extra fun.  The downside was by the end, my Sunshine just couldn’t take it anymore and began to lose it so we had to pack it up quick and rush out.  She slept the whole way home, cried once we got home because she was totally disoriented, bounced back and was super happy until I put her to bed where she crashed out cold.

Now I have my dogs back from the kennel and the house is full of life again.  It is so quiet without them.

Monday I will be 20 weeks.  We’re in the process of starting to get our shit together to turn the spare bedroom into my Sunshine’s new room.  I want to have this done soon so we can spend time in there; I’m hoping this way the transition will be smoother.  Plus, I’d rather have all the work out of the way before I get to my 3rd trimester.  It all goes downhill at that point–while I’ve FINALLY started to feel good and not completely ill and exhausted all the time, I know that in the near future I’ll be too tired and huge and sore to do much of anything.

But overall things are good right now.  I feel fine most of the time.  Sunshine and I start a “Mommy and Me” gym class next week and I have high hopes.  I know she will be thrilled to interact with other kids and that is the entire reason we’re doing it.  Everything I do is for her and I don’t mind it a bit.

Holiday Card Photo 2009

You’d be surprised how easy this picture was to take.

(I don’t know why it’s a little blurry…the real one is crisp and clear.  Oh well.)