Holiday Card Photo 2009

You’d be surprised how easy this picture was to take.

(I don’t know why it’s a little blurry…the real one is crisp and clear.  Oh well.)

Link

If you haven’t been there lately, I’d like to direct you to my good friends Drew and Margie’s sailing blog Get Lost on Purpose.  Currently he and Margie are home in the states visiting family and we are finally able to see videos taken from last year.  They are so cool!

I get terribly sea sick and there is NO WAY I could ever spend an extended amount of time on a boat, so I enjoy living vicariously through them this way.  Plus, the blog is a great way to keep up with their whereabouts in the world.  I am in awe of them.

December

Back at home, settling in for the rest of the year.  Trying to get my holiday ducks in a row but I am lagging a little.

I’m also trying to work through some anger I have toward certain family members (not my niece’s dad or my parents for once!) and it is extremely taxing, mentally.  I am just completely overtaken by how selfish and insensitive people can be, how unwilling they can be to take any responsibility for their actions (or lack of, that’s the real issue.)  Ah, well.  I can’t change people and I am tired of caring.  It gets me all worked up and pissed off.  Fuck em.  If they are going to act like they don’t care about me/us at all, why do I bother with them?

Snow is in the forecast for tomorrow.  Insert giant frowny face here!  Blech.  Winter and I just don’t get along.  But it will all be over soon and when spring emerges, we’ll have another little one to care for…anxiously anticipating that arrival.

I will find out in a few weeks the gender of the baby but I’m not sure if I’m going to tell anyone.  I definitely want to know but think it would be fun to keep everyone else in the dark.  I certainly don’t plan on sharing the name we will choose with anyone before the birth.  And here…well, I just prefer to keep these details to myself.  Hence the Sunshine and Daydream.  Hope you understand.

This Week and Beyond

My husband’s grandparents are visiting my in-laws the entire week of Thanksgiving, so I’m driving up Monday to spend the week too.  Since his grandparents moved we don’t get to see them as often and I want them to be able to spend some time with my Sunshine.  I hope she will have the opportunity to remember her great-grandparents.  They are lovely people and have welcomed me into the family so warmly.  Of course it doesn’t hurt that I am a terrific catch and an overall wonderful person, ha ha.

I only have one living grandparent, my mom’s step-mother.  Their relationship had been rocky in the past although since my grandfather’s death it has gotten better.  My step-grandma (I really don’t know what else to call her except by her name which is how we all refer to her) is getting older and my parents really look out for her.

Since I am a family person, I have really gone out of my way to be close to my husband’s grandparents.  We used to take the train up to visit them for an afternoon and over the summer flew down with my Sunshine to see their new southern digs.  That trip totally sucked but it was worth it in the end.

My husband will fly up to join us on Thanksgiving Day and we will drive home together the following day.  I am sad for him that his trip to see his own family will be so short but that is the life of a restaurant chef.  We are all used to it by now.

I am scared of when our new baby arrives and he goes back to work, leaving me home with a newborn and a 2 year old.  People who work normal jobs come home at normal times and share kid duties.  I will be on my own right from the start–feeding, bathing, bedtime, the dogs, the cats.  It seems very, very overwhelming right now.

My Sunshine has boosted my confidence in my ability to be a mom and shoulder the numerous responsibilities that come with this job.  It is a job, a lot of work but I own it and I love it.  So while I feel some trepidation about what is to come with the new baby, I know I will be able to work it out in my own way.

Also, since the restaurant opened I have become accustomed to being the only person home and taking over all duties of running this household.  It has not been an easy adjustment but I am managing quite well.  Right now I am struggling with trying to get the yard cleaned up for winter.  There are so many bushes to be trimmed and very little time to get it done.

My dad has named the baby “Newby” which I think is very cute and made me laugh.  But I’ve decided on my own name…Daydream.

Hope everyone has a nice week.

11-20-09

Dear Jen,

Today is your birthday and you would have been 38 years old.  Instead you are frozen in time at the young age of 35.  So young, they say as they shake their head.  Tsk tsk, such a shame.

It is a shame, an unthinkable loss, this hole you have left since you’ve been gone.  I want to say it is getting better.  I can move through the day without crying.  I can smile and laugh and actually mean it.  But my heart is still broken, my soul unable to comprehend the length of time still required of me to live without you.  I want to live, have so much to live for but sometimes I wish the ground would open up and swallow me whole, just so I can get this over with and hopefully be reunited with your somewhere.  My life is so full and so empty and I miss you so, so much.

Today was mostly like any other day.  After breakfast I curled up in bed with my Sunshine and the dogs to watch dvd’s for a while.  Sunshine and I walked the dogs and I rested while she napped.  We went out to do errands and that is where my facade began to crumble.  The ties became twisted in her car seat and I almost lost it in the Target parking lot, tears in my eyes as I struggled.

I decided to make chocolate chip pancakes for dinner, in your memory.  You loved them.  But I mismeasured the dry ingredients the first time, then I over poured the milk but decided to let it ride.  The baby was crying in her playpen while I rushed to get her dinner prepped at the same time, then mom called and everything went to shit.  Sunshine wouldn’t eat her dinner because she wanted the pancakes but then didn’t like the pancakes.  I ate standing up while the dogs barked in the yard.

Now I’m left to dwell in my memories of you.  I prefer to go years back, way before you ever got sick.  You taking me to the mall with you during a break from college; us sharing a room on vacation with mom and dad where we’d talk at night with the lights off until we both nodded off; the time we went rafting down the Colorado River with dad and how we were both dreading the trip but it ended up being one of the best we had ever been on.  How we camped out at night, sleeping under the stars, hiking to hidden waterfalls, creating such a strong relationship that I cherish so very much.  I am so lucky to have that as I witness others who don’t.  I wish it could have gone on for longer, that we weren’t robbed of our time as sisters.  I grow older and you stay the same.  That’s the way it is.

Love, me.

Jen

She knew she was dying in July.

I have considered myself a vile human being for poking through drawers that aren’t mine but at this point, I feel it is the only way to see these things.  I’m afraid they will disappear and I won’t have known about them.

When I went to let her dogs out yesterday I ventured into their bedroom.  I know I shouldn’t do it but I don’t care anymore.  I opened her bedside table drawer and pulled out a small notebook.  There aren’t a lot of entries; she was not consistent about writing.

The last entry is dated July 6, 2007.  Two days after my birthday.  She wrote that she felt like she was dying.  She can’t breathe and is so tired all the time.  It is a short paragraph and ends with “god, please!!”

She died August 25, 2007.

I don’t discuss this much with anyone but I have a lot of trouble believing in god.  I understand terrible things happen in the world and many people can comfort themselves with thoughts of a divine plan, it was meant to be, it’s all god’s work, etc.  But that does not do it for me.  If there is a god, why does god let these things happen?  Why does god create tragedies?

Not knowing what happens after you die, I can’t say for sure that death is harder for the living.  Do the dead hurt too?  If there is an afterlife, I would imagine that perhaps they are sad for having left us?  We are certainly sad for having been left behind.

So many traces of my sister are gone from her house.  Her pictures have been put away.  Some other lady’s shoes sit in the front hallway.  The strained relationship (or nonexistent relationship) I have with my BIL reinforces her loss because I can’t lean on him and keep her memory alive with him.  I don’t know what he is doing for that.  It looks to me like he is trying to erase it.  Does that make it easier for him?  I will never know.

Video

She has an incredible amount of hair but refuses to wear any kind of barrette.  I’m trying to let it grow out a bit so I can tuck it behind her ears at least.  For now, I am constantly brushing it out of her eyes.

She laughs a lot.  I make a large variety of strange noises which brings out that deep belly laugh.  Recently I pretended that one of her stuffed animals was smelling her feet then puking off to the side;  she thought it was the funniest thing ever!

It is amazing what a child can do to make you laugh and vice versa.

So…Yeah

You may wonder why I have been extra quiet these days.

I’m pregnant.

We heard the heartbeat today so I can now officially feel comfortable talking about it.  We are thrilled and I am also a tad nervous.  But I have a while to figure it all out.

So I’ve been feeling gross and ill, plus I’ve had two colds in the last month so I’m extra tired.  And I really haven’t had a lot to say about anything besides all that.

Hopefully I’ll move to a new phase soon!  Until then, please bear with my spotty posting and general silence.

Thinking

One thing that I find myself thinking about over and over is how I don’t think my Sunshine will ever have the type of family bond with her aunts and uncles that I want for her.

My sister’s death has destroyed any relationship we have with her husband.  Of course I adore my niece and we have a very special kinship that I am certain she holds dear.  But overall, I know my Sunshine will never have a cozy family relationship with my brother-in-law and my niece as a unit, although I do hope that my Sunshine and my niece will be close.

So that’s strike one.

On the other side are my husband’s brother and sister.  I try not to go into a lot of detail about them here because although we are family, they are not truly my family and I hesitate to divulge too much information.  I will say that my husband and his siblings have never had the relationship that Jen and I developed.  As an outsider to my husband’s family I was always shocked by that.  I was raised to believe that family is close and siblings should protect one another, be there for each other.  Of course I understand that not everyone can achieve that and I know how truly lucky I am to have been able to have just a taste of it.

That doesn’t stop me from wishing so much that things could be different.  As the years pass my husband and his brother drift further apart; this only serves to widen the chasm that exists between our two growing families.  Sometimes I feel closer to people I have barely known than I do to my brother and sister-in-law and their 2 year old son.  I can only imagine that I will also feel more like a stranger than an aunt to their new baby.

When I first started dating my husband, he didn’t speak to his sister.  To me, this was absolutely foreign.  I could not wrap my head around it.  Through much persistence I was able to convince him to reach out to her and from there they have been able to mend some fences and reestablish their relationship.

I know she cares about us.  She and her son, my 6 year old nephew, have been down to visit us more than anyone else in the family since my Sunshine was born.  But there is always something that keeps her and my husband from being 100%.  Their relationship is full of peaks and valleys; it is an imperfect monster.  When things are good they are great but when they are bad it is not pretty.  It is unfortunate.  While I know not to trust her fully, I really do care for her and always only want the best for her and her son.  I just adore that boy.   I feel (hope) that we will always have a relationship with them, it just won’t be what I see in my head as how I want it to be.

And in the next breath, I’ll say that I understand and accept that things will be this way.  I mourn the difference between what I want and what truly exists.  Just as I mourn my sister daily.  At least if she was here, I’d have one out of three.

Um…hello?

I know things have been quiet around here.  I have been juggling my new schedule of almost never seeing my husband and caring for my Sunshine plus all the pets.  By the end of the day I am totally wiped out and honestly, there is not much going on in my mind.  It’s just a bunch of mush up there right now.

I’m trying to keep the dogs exercised, going down to visit my husband at work 3-4 times a week, lots of laundry, some cleaning, etc.  It doesn’t sound like much but it is wearing me out.

We did find a very nice babysitter but unfortunately it didn’t work out.  We required a flu shot for employment and she didn’t want to get one.  It was an amicable split but it sucks anyway.  I’m looking again for someone nice and capable that my Sunshine clicks with.

So that’s it from here.  Nothing new, same old stuff.