#3

Baby #3 coming in July.  Surprise!

40

Dear Jen,

Tomorrow is your birthday and you would have turned 40.

For breakfast I’m going to make chocolate chip banana pancakes–your favorite.  Well, I’m adding the banana in to give them some oomph for the kids.  But I know you would have loved this recipe.  I’m also going to make cupcakes so we can sing to you.  I haven’t eaten chocolate in 2 weeks but I’m going to break it for you.  I would do anything for you.  Actually, you don’t have to twist my arm here to eat chocolate.  Our favorite.

I’ve been missing you so much lately, even more than usual.  My days are bright but my heart is still heavy with all those sad, lonely, lost, confused feelings I have.  I know they won’t ever fully go away but I wonder how long it will take for it to lift a little.  It’s not as fresh anymore but I’m still totally and completely destroyed.

Sunshine asks for you regularly and talks about you.  I’m doing my job, Jen, passing down your memory so they won’t ever forget you.  I want you to be more than a dusty memory of Mommy’s sister.  I want you to be tangible.

I found some old videos on my computer you had taken when Ash was a baby and hearing your voice again was magical.  I won’t ever forget it.

I love you with all my heart, forever and ever.  I love and miss you every day.

Love, me.

Halloween Time

The weather is turning cooler here and I stare at the sky as I walk my dogs.  Up and down the block, sometimes around, I stumble over the bumps in the sidewalk because I’m mesmerized by the endless blue sky and the accompanying breeze.  My Daydream hangs on my back in the carrier and my Sunshine alternately lags behind or runs ahead.  Twice a day, every day.  A new routine has been born.

I think of Jen when I’m walking, wondering where she is.  How close or how far from me is she really?  I talk about her often enough that my Sunshine asks if Aunt Jen will come watch her swim or some other activity.  I can’t stop my voice from catching before I reply.

Soon my kids will be dressed up, walking from door to door with their little buckets.  Over four years has passed since Jen died and I’m still lost and frightened.  Sometimes my life feels incomplete, worthless without her and I am quickly angry at myself for that.  I want to flush those feelings from my system.  They won’t budge.  I want to run away and be alone to wait for her.  I don’t want to have to explain to my children why she died and how our family fell apart afterward.  Everything is blank sometimes.  I just want to hear her voice.  Some kind of reassurance that she is fine.  Fine?  What does that even mean?  I have no idea.

Self portrait taken the day she died as I waited in the hospital, a few feet from her bed.  I was so tired I fell asleep on the couch.  The staff needed to clean her so everyone left the room and I was asleep on the couch.  Right before I dozed off I said “I’m right here Jen.  I’m right here.”  I awoke to beeping, madness and my husband’s hand on my shoulder shaking me.

Just a Bag

It’s not just a bag.  It’s a bag I gave Jen as a bridesmaid’s gift with her name embroidered on it.

I don’t know why I didn’t think about it before.  I just forgot.  Now I want it and I can’t get her husband to answer my emails about it.  It’s probably gone although I’m clinging to the hope that he didn’t get rid of it.  I want it.

I’m so upset with myself for not remembering to ask for it.

My mom emailed me earlier:

I’m sorry that you are so upset about the bag.  I do have notes that you wrote to Jen when you were little.  She saved all of them and they were beautiful notes and important to her.  I will give these to you.  Also, don’t forget, that she named her most treasured possession after you and that can never be taken away.  If she did not love you dearly, she would not have named Ashley – Ashley Elizabeth. 

She is right.  It just hurts.  I have so few things that were hers.

One time I looked through her bedside table when I was in the house alone and found a small journal she wrote in.  I read it but didn’t take it.  I should have.  It’s probably in the trash.  He threw away so much.

I was talking with a friend today who reiterated what my husband always says: when Ashley is ready, she’ll come back to me.  I haven’t lost her forever.  She knows how much I love her and she will want to know about her mom and I have the answers.  No one can take that away.  Jen is my sister, she is Ashley’s mom and no matter what anyone says or does, nothing will ever, ever change that.

I want to take my anger and mash it in his face.  I’m so fucking angry.  I try to not put this kind of negative energy out into the world but I can’t hold on to it because it is eating me up inside.  I want to scream in his face How could you let all those things go?  Tell me what she meant to you.  His actions make me feel like he didn’t care at all even though I know he did.  I am disgusted by him.

Well.  Now that I’ve gotten that off  my chest, we’ll see what comes back to me.

**********************************************

Dear Jen,

I’ve been walking around for days with a blank look in my eyes.  I can’t meet anyone’s gaze because I’m afraid they will see what is swimming inside me.  My eyes brim with tears constantly and I cried twice yesterday.

When I let myself think of you, really really think of you, I feel like I’m sinking into a deep dark pit, that it hasn’t been four years but only four minutes.  It is still so raw and painful.

Today while I walked the dogs I thought about how I can’t wait to see you again and I almost fell to the ground.  I truly believe I will see you again one day and the thought of your face, your hands, a hug, your voice…it floors me.  I want it now.  I don’t want to have to wait the entire rest of my life.

My heart is with you all the time.  I hope you can feel it, my undying love for you.  I love you and miss you every single day, always and forever.

Love, me.

 

Letter

Dear Jen,

Yesterday I had a hard day.  Since we moved I rarely wake up feeling so heavy and off kilter, but I was completely out of myself yesterday.  While doing the dishes I almost lost it and the tears finally came, loud and ugly, my eyes brimming before they spilled over and splotched onto my shirt.

Sometimes I just want to crawl into a hole and die.  It seems ridiculous to feel this way and every time it washes over me, I am ashamed.  Would you feel like this if our roles were reversed?  It seems like such a disservice to you and your memory.  You are dead and I am alive, why in the world would I wish to be dead too?  I should be grateful for my life, and I am, it’s just sometimes so fucking hard to understand how, HOW and I supposed to live my life without you?  It is so incomplete.

Now your husband has a new wife and your daughter has a step-mother.  I am so angry that this woman gets to be a part of their lives instead of you.  Why should she witness all the memories?  It should be you.

I wonder where you are.  Sometimes I feel like you are right beside me.  Do you touch my face?  Are you sad when I’m holding on to the counter with white knuckles?  When I’m walking with the kids do you feel the breeze too?

Last week I found the Buzz Lightyear toy you gave me as a joke.  Sunshine loves it and I told her how you had given it to me.  A present from Aunt Jen to me, I said.

Where is Aunt Jen, she asked.  Is she here?

No baby, she’s not here.  She died.

She didn’t respond, just continued to play with the toy.  I didn’t bother to explain how you are always here because your memory lives with me and your heart is in mine.  I’m not sure how much a 3 year old can handle.  I don’t even know if she understands what she died means.  But I say it because I don’t want to sugar coat it.  Someday she will know more.

I love you and miss you every day.

Love, me.

Letter: 4 years

Dear Jen,

Today is here.   4 years since you died.

Last night as I walked the dogs after dinner, pulling Daydream in the wagon, I stared at the cloudless sky and felt the dread of today wash over me.  I sometimes still can’t comprehend that you are gone.  When I stop and think about it…that’s when it really hits me.  I live out my days doing the mundane and ordinary crap and I am alone in this world without  you and it’s all so blah sometimes.  I do fun things and smile and laugh and I think about you and I keep on keepin’ on.

My move is complete and I am happier than I have been in years. Today we had a play date with a new friend and it was really fun.  Sunshine and Daydream had a great time with Nora and I enjoyed meeting someone who I’ve wanted to connect with for years.  We talked about you.

I still miss the hell out of you though.  I don’t know how to say it any other way, how many times I can say the same thing.  Your death is the worst thing that has ever happened to me, this day 4 years ago was the worst day of my life.

I love you and miss you every day.  You are always in my thoughts and my heart.

Love, me.

Letter

Dear Jen,

I dreamt about you last night.  It was long and confusing but the one part I do remember is when we were together and in your driveway.  You looked confused as to why it wasn’t your house anymore, why you couldn’t go home.  Because your husband’s girlfriend lives there now with her son and your daughter calls him her “brother.”  I don’t have to tell you how sick that makes me.

Anyway.  I haven’t seen you in my dreams in a long time.  Even though it wasn’t a happy dream, I was glad to see your face.  I miss it.  I miss you.

I didn’t get a chance to visit your grave before I moved.  I really wanted to but wasn’t able.  I feel sad about it but I’m  not totally broken up over it, because I know you are with me wherever I go.  I don’t need to visit your grave to feel you or think about you or have you with me.  I love you and that lives in every part of my heart and soul.

I unpacked your pictures and put them in my closet.  A reminder of you and of something I did that was wrong but it’s too late to take it back and why am I obsessing over this?  I don’t k now; I guess because I try to do the right thing as much as possible and live my life with good as much as I can.  Taking those pictures was not good.

Ashley and I are pen pals now and it is so fun to get mail from her–mail that isn’t bills!  I hope she can come visit some day.  I miss her.

I want you to know that I would never give back the past, never change what I did for you and our family.  That being said, I am so happy now that I’m back on the west coast.  I wake up feeling energized and renewed.  I love the blue sky and endless sun.  It feels good to have done something for myself and my family.  I know you are happy for me too.  I can feel it.

All my love, always and forever.

Love, me.

Letter

Dear Jen,

The lease is signed.  I’m starting to clean out our basement and I found a book you gave me.  You wrote a note inside, saying that I am the best friend you will ever have and how our bond grows stronger each year, that you are grateful for my presence in your life.

Me too, Jen.  Me too.  My life is better, richer for having had you in it.

Today I went over to your house to return your husband’s bike that I borrowed 6 years ago for that triathlon.  I rang the doorbell, then wheeled it around to the fence, let myself in the back yard and leaned it against the deck.  I noticed the enormous dog house and inside…one of your old comforters from college.  I felt sad at first, then…angry?  Or just sad?  I don’t know.  It was a little shocking to see it and stuffed into a dog house.

Those pictures I stole…I’m taking them with me.  I can’t give them back now, it’s too late, and I don’t want to.

I held that book to my chest and closed my eyes, breathing deeply.  I didn’t cry although tears stung my eyes.  You touched that book.  You wrote me a heartfelt note.  Can you see me now, Jen, working my way through this?  I am navigating my life without my sister, my best friend.  I am leaving this place but I’m not leaving you.  You will be with me always.

I love and miss you every day.  All my love, always and forever.

Love, me.

Turn the Page

This life here, it is coming to an end.  I can finally say that and mean it.

Last week I signed a lease on a house out west.  I did what I said I was going to do; I accomplished my goal.  It was a crazy week, trying to find a rental that would take my family and our three dogs.

That was just the first hurdle.  Now I need to figure out how exactly we are going to get all of our shit to our new home.  What do we bring?  What do we get rid of?  Who is going to take my cats and give them a wonderful new home?

In my mind, I’m giving us 6 weeks to finish all of this so we can begin living there.  Lets hope I can make it happen.

Birthday

Happy 1st birthday to my Daydream, my baby boy.