I have been feeling melancholy lately. The weather is gorgeous, bright and sunny and breezy and spring is wonderful. On the outside all is well but inside something is brewing. I like to keep my sunglasses on so no one can see how blank my eyes look.
Speaking of my eyes. A few weeks ago I stared noticing that my right eye was being crazy. I literally thought I was going insane. Everywhere I looked I saw what looked like a reflection of the ceiling fan–kind of like a sun spot after you stare into the sun. It was making me twitchy. I finally went to the eye doctor who said I’ve got some thing that is probably no big deal but she wants me to get a MRI so she can see behind the eye, just to be sure. You know, to make sure there’s not a tumor back there or I didn’t have some kind of mini stroke or something that would be causing my optic nerve to be all wonky like this and disrupt my vision.
On the whole I am not that concerned. I think it’s probably nothing and I am not one to get all worked up over things in advance.
But last night I was doing the dishes and thinking about what if it is something. Something really bad. Like, what if I die.
I was momentarily immobilized, my chest so tight I could barely breathe. Thinking about leaving this world, leaving my babies…my sweet little babies. They are my everything. Especially my little Monkey who would be too young to remember me. And my Sunshine who would be old enough to remember me and miss me. My little Daydream, right in the middle, old enough to remember but would he remember enough?
I often wish to see you again. I think about what I would do for that. If I had to step forward and leave this all behind…I know my answer Jen. I would step back. I can’t leave. Not yet.
You did have to leave all of this behind. Now your baby is ten years old and has a step-mom and refers to them as her parents. My Sunshine asked her during a recent phone conversation where her mom was–YOU–and she said She’s in Heaven. Just like that. You are gone.
I love you and miss you and would do just about anything to see you again. I will have to wait because I cannot give this up. I love them too damn much to walk away from them.
Not really comforting but good to know where I stand on all of this.
You are always with me. I love you and miss you each and every day, always and forever.