She has an incredible amount of hair but refuses to wear any kind of barrette. I’m trying to let it grow out a bit so I can tuck it behind her ears at least. For now, I am constantly brushing it out of her eyes.
She laughs a lot. I make a large variety of strange noises which brings out that deep belly laugh. Recently I pretended that one of her stuffed animals was smelling her feet then puking off to the side; she thought it was the funniest thing ever!
It is amazing what a child can do to make you laugh and vice versa.
You may wonder why I have been extra quiet these days.
I’m pregnant.
We heard the heartbeat today so I can now officially feel comfortable talking about it. We are thrilled and I am also a tad nervous. But I have a while to figure it all out.
So I’ve been feeling gross and ill, plus I’ve had two colds in the last month so I’m extra tired. And I really haven’t had a lot to say about anything besides all that.
Hopefully I’ll move to a new phase soon! Until then, please bear with my spotty posting and general silence.
One thing that I find myself thinking about over and over is how I don’t think my Sunshine will ever have the type of family bond with her aunts and uncles that I want for her.
My sister’s death has destroyed any relationship we have with her husband. Of course I adore my niece and we have a very special kinship that I am certain she holds dear. But overall, I know my Sunshine will never have a cozy family relationship with my brother-in-law and my niece as a unit, although I do hope that my Sunshine and my niece will be close.
So that’s strike one.
On the other side are my husband’s brother and sister. I try not to go into a lot of detail about them here because although we are family, they are not truly my family and I hesitate to divulge too much information. I will say that my husband and his siblings have never had the relationship that Jen and I developed. As an outsider to my husband’s family I was always shocked by that. I was raised to believe that family is close and siblings should protect one another, be there for each other. Of course I understand that not everyone can achieve that and I know how truly lucky I am to have been able to have just a taste of it.
That doesn’t stop me from wishing so much that things could be different. As the years pass my husband and his brother drift further apart; this only serves to widen the chasm that exists between our two growing families. Sometimes I feel closer to people I have barely known than I do to my brother and sister-in-law and their 2 year old son. I can only imagine that I will also feel more like a stranger than an aunt to their new baby.
When I first started dating my husband, he didn’t speak to his sister. To me, this was absolutely foreign. I could not wrap my head around it. Through much persistence I was able to convince him to reach out to her and from there they have been able to mend some fences and reestablish their relationship.
I know she cares about us. She and her son, my 6 year old nephew, have been down to visit us more than anyone else in the family since my Sunshine was born. But there is always something that keeps her and my husband from being 100%. Their relationship is full of peaks and valleys; it is an imperfect monster. When things are good they are great but when they are bad it is not pretty. It is unfortunate. While I know not to trust her fully, I really do care for her and always only want the best for her and her son. I just adore that boy. I feel (hope) that we will always have a relationship with them, it just won’t be what I see in my head as how I want it to be.
And in the next breath, I’ll say that I understand and accept that things will be this way. I mourn the difference between what I want and what truly exists. Just as I mourn my sister daily. At least if she was here, I’d have one out of three.
I know things have been quiet around here. I have been juggling my new schedule of almost never seeing my husband and caring for my Sunshine plus all the pets. By the end of the day I am totally wiped out and honestly, there is not much going on in my mind. It’s just a bunch of mush up there right now.
I’m trying to keep the dogs exercised, going down to visit my husband at work 3-4 times a week, lots of laundry, some cleaning, etc. It doesn’t sound like much but it is wearing me out.
We did find a very nice babysitter but unfortunately it didn’t work out. We required a flu shot for employment and she didn’t want to get one. It was an amicable split but it sucks anyway. I’m looking again for someone nice and capable that my Sunshine clicks with.
So that’s it from here. Nothing new, same old stuff.
Tears in her voice, she says he has gone through some of Jen’s stuff. There are two sealed boxes waiting for charity pickup and do I want any of her shoes? The sealed boxes contain just pants, he had said. I told her to open the boxes. We have every right to go through her stuff.
An hour later she calls back. It’s not just pants she says. He’s a liar. She doesn’t know what time the charity is coming and do I want to come over and look through her clothes?
I pack up my Sunshine. A few minutes later I’m sitting on the floor, surrounded by my sister’s pants, shorts, pajamas, running clothes, bathing suits, t-shirts. A lot of the clothes I have never seen and I don’t want to wear her old clothes. But then I unearth a stack of t-shirts that mean a lot to us as a family and my mom loses it, overwhelmed with tears and rage. An old bag, faded with use, is stuffed in the bottom. I want it but I let my mom take it. I keep one t-shirt, a long sleeve shirt that I also had but wore so much that it basically disintegrated. Hers is also worn and faded.
We finish taping the boxes closed just as the charity pulls up. I go home and put my Sunshine in her play area then I stand in the kitchen and smell her t-shirt, hold it close to my chest, hug it and close my eyes as my tears fall silently down my cheeks.
I still feel kinda crappy but it’s time to shake it off.
I’ve reached a new level here and have officially begun my search for a babysitter/nanny. It pains me to do this because I just wish my parents would help me out more. But I have come to accept the way things are and instead of trying to change them, I am carving my own path. I really, really need some help. The house is a wreck, my to-do list has a layer of dust on it and I just need a break. I give so much to my Sunshine, and she deserves every bit of it, but I need to give something to myself too.
All I’m looking for is a few hours, 2-3 days a week so I can go to the gym or clean my house or tackle my to-do list. I don’t think that is a lot to ask for.
This will be difficult because I am inherently distrustful of people. I hope to meet someone who will knock my socks off with their amazing personality, connection to my daughterand extreme patience for my rambunctious pack of dogs.
Part of why I feel like I am drowning and need some help is that my husband is opening a pizza restaurant and is like a ghost. We see him for 15 minutes in the morning; my Sunshine is asleep when he gets home from work and once the place officially opens this week, I will also be asleep. We are thrilled with this opportunity and I am confident in his ability to make it work. The next few months will be hard for all of us and sad too but I have to remember to keep looking forward.
It started Sunday night as I was driving home with my Sunshine, after spending the afternoon with my cousins. Already past her bedtime, she was anxious and upset so I sang to her for over an hour, trying to soothe her and keep her from falling asleep. My throat felt scratchy and sore but I figured it was the singing.
Monday I was definitely sick and she was too.
Tuesday I was worse and she was the same. I had crazy fever dreams that night and hardly slept.
Wednesday I could barely move which was truly unfortunate since I have a 16 month old to take care of and my husband is at work all day. I managed to take a nap while my Sunshine slept in her crib but overall the day was a complete waste. We spent much of the day watching Baby Signing Time dvds in bed while the dogs snoozed around us. I went to bed at 730 pm.
Today I managed to get squeezed in at the doctor’s office and left with a prescription to knock out this bug. I’ve lost 3 lbs. (there is a positive side to all of this, ha ha) and am currently eating frozen grapes to soothe my sore throat.
Definitely feeling an improvement over last night so lets hope the upswing continues and perhaps I can post something decent next week.
After another nasty bout with the rain, the sun is back and my Sunshine and I have been out and about walking the dogs and our morning walk/run together.
I love this time of year when the sky is a brilliant shade of blue and the breeze blows from one end of the house to the other. I let my dogs lay out on the deck and bark their heads off, much to the chagrin of my neighbors. One could say that I should keep more control over them and quiet their outbursts and I could say, perhaps do the same with your kids. SO THERE.
I want another dog. I know we can’t/shouldn’t/won’t, but I got the feeling a few nights ago and I am having a lot of trouble shaking it. What I really would like is an older dog, a homeless shelter dog whose life needs to be saved. I really don’t want to deal with another puppy but would love the soulful eyes of a big, loving blob of fur with a warm heart. I know there are so many out there and I want to cry because I can’t help them.
I can hear my Sunshine babbling in the background, throwing her toys and laughing. “What’s that?” she says, pointing to everything. Her gap tooth peeks out when she smiles and her eyes crinkle when she grins.
My baby lost her first tooth today. A tooth we spent WEEKS agonizing over and just like that, it’s gone.
She was walking around the upstairs, carrying a 5×5 cardboard box with a fabric handle when she tripped over a tiny little shoe on the floor. She went down and banged her mouth and chin on the box. I ran over to her (or maybe I crawled real fast, I was only 4 feet away) and turned her over. Blood was dripping from her mouth which was wide open as she proceeded to begin WAILING.
I panicked. Somehow I managed to get a spare burp cloth out of her dresser so I could try to get the blood under control and that’s when I saw the tooth, hanging by a thread. I pulled it out and dropped it on the floor, then a minute later forgot what I did with it and panicked again, thinking she’d swallowed it, before I remembered what I had done. I retrieved it and put it in my pocket.
She was crying so loud. And the blood was everywhere, all over her new white onesie. I called my dad first.
I need help. She knocked her tooth out and there’s blood everywhere.
I’ll be right over he said and hung up.
Then I called my husband who was on his way home from work but I didn’t know where he was or how far away which is why I called my dad first, who I knew was 2 blocks away.
I could barely hear him or breath as I tried to tell him what had happened.
I don’t know what to do. Who do I call? Pediatrician? Ambulance?
Of course my husband is a beacon of calmness so he was able to talk me off the ledge. Sunshine eventually stopped crying and by bedtime was (mostly) her bubbly self again. I fed her yogurt and cottage cheese, eggs with cheese and vanilla ice cream; her appetite hasn’t suffered. I just feel SO TERRIBLE. Especially when she opens her mouth slightly and I catch a glimpse of where her tiny tooth was. Now it’s just a gap with a blood clot.
I wanted to cry but the one time I let it go, she started crying again so I held it in. I had to be strong for my baby. But it was one of those moments where I didn’t feel like an adult. I felt like a small child and I wonder if that ever goes away.
Cloudy and rainy here the past few days. For me, there is always a certain gloom tied to the weather. I try to keep my head up and smile anyway; thankfully I have a little bundle of laughter to help with that. My Sunshine grows stronger each day, teetering on her feet, two steps here, five steps there, wobbling across the living room from the recliner to the couch, maneuvering around the dogs and their bones strewn across the floor.
Her mouth is wide, probably a mirror of what she sees on my face daily. I am constantly exclaiming “WOW! GOOD JOB!” to everything she does, my jaw hanging down in awe. I sit on the floor with my arms open, waiting for her to stumble into them so I can envelope her in a big hug and she wraps her little arms around my neck tightly for a brief moment before she pushes me away, turns around and tries it all over again. Pretty amazing stuff.
It is truly a wonder to see her mind at work, how she interacts with toys and mimics my actions. A few months ago I used a horse puzzle piece to gallop across the floor while singing horsey things and it didn’t take her long to pick up on that. She has 2 horse puzzles and 3 mini horses and all of them gallop regularly. I put some sea animals in her little play oven and call it dinner; she follows by also stuffing a small cow in there which I proclaim as steak.
We have at least 8 reusable water bottles and I have one with me at all times. She is obsessed with my bottle, trying to figure out how it opens and closes and how can she drink from it. It didn’t take her long to master the Camelbak straw; pretty soon I will be able to leave her sippy cup at home (one less thing for me to carry!)
Each morning I strap her into our jogging stroller (yeah, less jogging, more walking) and we walk the dogs, one at a time around the block. She kicks her heels and squeals with laughter as they drag us down the street. The lab on the corner barks at us every day and my hound mix whines to go play while the baby imitates the deep bark. I thought that dog was a boy until a few weeks ago.
Every day brings the same routine but with new discoveries. Today, for example, she is actually napping IN THE CRIB and I have an hour to myself. I almost don’t know what to do. But we all have to be quiet which is virtually impossible with three boisterous dogs and two mildly annoying cats. So I’m lounging on the bed while the fan swirls overhead, listening to dog snores, stretching my legs and waiting for the sound of her sweet babble over the monitor.
