Gratuitous Cute Baby Photo

Picture of Sunshine and a friend.

Insert Title Here

It’s relatively quiet this morning.  I’m sitting at the kitchen table drinking coffee (finally), my daughter in her bouncer, kicking away and staring at me.  After a fiasco and an extended delay, my sister-in-law and nephew finally left yesterday and my husband and I collapsed on the couch. Having them here was great–she was a huge help and it is always nice to spend time together. But my nephew was starting to get a little stir crazy and wanted to go home so the last few days he was kind of a pain in the ass.  Plus, no matter how unintrusive they are, having house guests is stressful.  Especially when you want to nap and a 5 year old is talking your ear off about Pokemon.

I’ve just finished reading Nancy’s latest post and I want to cry. I know I’ve said this before, but at the beginning of my sister’s illness, she was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and it wasn’t until she had a colonoscopy and they found a tumor in her colon was the diagnosis changed. I can’t say I know how Nancy feels, because I don’t, not in any way. I just know how shattering the news is.

And it is so unfair because Nancy’s sister died from colon cancer and now her dad has pancreatic cancer and I just wonder, where does it all end?

My 30th birthday looms in the near future and I haven’t thought about it one bit.  I suppose that’s a good thing, so I’m not obsessing over entering my 30’s, growing older, etc.  I’ve been so busy with Sunshine and working on my new little family and missing my sister that my birthday seems like the least important thing that is happening to me right now.  I sort of wish I could just cancel it altogether.  I’m not in the mood to celebrate, my first birthday without Jen here.

Since my husband and I met, I’ve spent my birthday with his family since his grandfather and I share a birthday but last year we stayed home and went to a family party with my parents, my sister and her family and a bunch of other relatives.  Now I look back on it and I’m so grateful I was with her.  I’ve spent so many birthdays with her, eating so many different types of birthday cakes…we love cake in my family but this year I’m thinking I may want to hide under the bed instead.

But I can’t because we’ll be spending the weekend with my husband’s family, to celebrate the birthdays and introduce our daughter to her great-grandparents.  Maybe it’s just what I’ll need to keep from slipping into a funk but right now, I’m just not feeling it.

I know…wah, wah, wah.  Like a fucking broken record around here.

Thoughts

I’m alone while my husband and his sister are at a concert tonight.  When we got the tickets, we thought I might be able to go but it soon became clear to both of us, after Sunshine was born, that it was too soon.  She’s not on a bottle yet and I can’t leave her for more than two hours.  So I suggested my husband invite his sister to go and here we are.  She was planning on visiting us anyway, so she simply scheduled the trip around being here for the concert.

I stayed home with the baby and my nephew.  Now he’s asleep and she’s between feedings and I can’t stop thinking about how much I miss my sister.  It is so lonely without her.  I’m still so lost.  I cry when I’m nursing because I can’t stop thinking about how my daughter will never know her aunt, how my niece is growing up without a mother, how my brother-in-law is alone at 40.  It breaks my heart thinking of his pain, his loneliness.  I can’t even imagine it.  I can only feel my own and it hurts so fucking much.

I wish I could see her.  I want her to come to me in a vision so I can hug her and hear her voice and touch her one more time.  I can’t believe I have to live the rest of my life without her.  She was always my guide and now I’m doing the biggest thing I’ve ever done in my life virtually alone, without her to help me and it doesn’t make any sense to me at all.

Visitors

My husband’s sister and her totally awesome 5 year old son are coming to visit today for a week. Aside from seeing them, it will be great to have company around and help with the baby. Hope I don’t get spoiled.

Animal Instincts

You may think this sounds a little funny, but before my Sunshine was born, my husband installed a screen door in the doorway of the nursery.  It’s like having my own lake house inside this house that I kind of hate.  It feels very campy and summery.

We decided on the screen door for several reasons.  One, the nursery gets eastern exposure and it is so, so hot in there during the day.  Even the blackout shade and ceiling fan we had put in do little to keep the room cool.  A temperature gauge we installed consistently reads in the high 70’s to low 80’s during the late morning and early afternoon.  It is stifling and leaving the regular door open is not an option which leads me to the second reason…our pets.  In addition to the three dogs, we also have two cats and we were both really worried about the cats creeping into the nursery, jumping into the crib or just laying all over the furniture and getting cat hair everywhere.  Neither of us thought that stacking two baby gates in the door jam , while more economical, was a good idea due to the hassle involved in taking them down and putting them up  again and again and again, while holding a baby.  So we went with the screen door and it has turned out to be a fantastic idea.  The nursery is clean with undisturbed airflow.

It’s funny, though, because whenever I go into the nursery and secure the latch behind me, I hear the dog collars jingle outside the door as they settle in to wait for me and my Sunshine.  When we emerge, Lucy, my alpha dog, and Buckley, my hound mix, are always sprawled out in the hallway, patiently waiting.  Annie, my shepherd mix and resident guard dog, is usually downstairs at the front door, keeping watch.  The three of them are constantly making sure we are ok and trouble is not brewing, that Sunshine still smells the same and we’re safe.  They are really incredible that way.

The cats are mostly indifferent about Sunshine and really just want to get into the nursery to explore.  Not likely to happen any time soon.

Things

We’re home and adjusting nicely. The dogs seem to be doing fine. They’re very curious about the baby but also respectful of the boundaries we’ve worked to establish. They also seem to be protective of her, taking turns sitting near her bassinet or bouncer, watching over her and making sure everything is ok. One of them always has to have their eye on her at all times.

She’s a good baby, not crying too much, sleeping pretty good and not too fussy overall…so far.

Things feel good. I wasn’t sure about what all of this would mean, what it would bring. Sometimes when I look into her eyes I cry. The enormity of it all is overwhelming and I wish more than anything my sister was here to share this with me.