Sunday

I spent the day with my niece today which was really great.  We went on a 2 mile walk this morning with Sunshine and got to talking about Halloween.  She didn’t have a costume yet and asked if I’d take her to pick one out today.

So we go to the store and she chooses her perfect costume (Darth Vadar…she LOVES Star Wars).  End of story, right?  No.  It’s never the end.

Talking to my mom a little while after I dropped Ashley off…

So what did you do with Ash?

Hung out, colored, played with Sunshine, then Ash played with the dogs for a while in the yard and we went Halloween costume shopping. And as I’m saying this I think I know what’s coming but I have to tell her because she’s going to find out anyway.

Oh yeah?  What did she get?

Darth Vadar.

REALLY?  Where did you go?

That Halloween store around the corner.

Oh my god, no.  How much did you pay for it?

And I lie and tell her it was on sale but why do I have to do that?

Well, she says, I wanted to take her to that other store where they’re having sales. Like the store she wanted to go to is the end-all for costumes and no other store will do and I all of the sudden feel like I’ve wronged her.

And I’m assuming that it is non-refundable?  Does it fit ok?  Blah blah, etc.

Luckily, Sunshine erupts in tears and I quickly hang up, grateful for a spontaneous meltdown.

Like, what is wrong with what I did?  Just because it’s not what she would have done, it is automatically incorrect.  It is at this point that I wonder why I even bother to get involved, but then I quickly remember that I do it because I love my niece.  I do it all for her.  All of this.

Thinking

One thing I miss the most is being able to call Jen when I want to talk. Just a few mintues chatting would brighten my day.

I realized this morning how empty my days are without that simple act that I took for granted; how there is hardly anyone else I want to do that with. It seems so obvious–just pick up the phone and dial and talk. But sometimes the easiest things are the hardest to do, and chatting with anyone else wouldn’t replace it. Not even close.

Monday Morning

I’m home.  Nice to be back…even though it’s a place I loath, there is still something about coming home that feels good.  My own bed, my own stuff, my husband and my dogs.

I think I’m finally getting the cold that everyone around me has had the past few weeks.  It started with my mom, who gave it to my dad and they gave it to Sunshine who in turn gave it to my husband.  I thought I was home free, not having any real symptoms before I went to the lake but this morning I am stuffy and sneezy and my head feels so heavy.  Fortunately, I don’t have any real commitments today…just some grocery shopping and light cleaning.

The lake was nice, peaceful.  It was strange to be back in a place where, just one year ago, I’d laid in the same bed and stared out the bedroom window, watching the moon shining on the water and reflected on my recent loss and incredibly raw wound, mixed with swirling emotions of being newly pregnant.  And this year I am still hurting, but the pain is a little less sometimes and my baby slept soundly beside me.

We sat in the shade and watched my friend’s dogs frolic in the water.  Puttered around on the boat.  Sat by a bonfire and watched the stars shine. Forgot about things for a while.

I am grateful for friends who make days like that possible for me.

Weekend

I’ve been doing quiet things around the house, trying to block out the noise.  I want to focus on my family and watch my daughter as she moves between milestones.

This weekend we are participating in a colon cancer walk.  While I’m not excited about the early starting hour, I want to help raise awareness in any way I can.

Next weekend I’m going to the lake with some friends and my husband turns 31.

So if I’m not around much, you know why.