Learning

As Thanksgiving nears, I am learning to live as half of a sibling pair; as a mother; an only daughter; an aunt to a motherless child; a wife to a husband who is now a father.

This time of year brings me to a place where I struggle to find what I am thankful for: my health, my family, my safety, my surroundings.  I am really trying to let go of hatred for this place and focus on what I have here that I love.

Life is short.  Things happen unexpectedly.  People die and are ripped away from you before you have a chance to see how life will play out.  Months pass and babies grow, sitting up on their own before you know it.  I want to hold on to this as much as possible and put away memories to have in case I need them at a later date.  I go through my memories of life with my sister daily.  Sometimes I cry because it hurts so much.  Other times I smile because we had a wonderful life together, even though it was much too brief.

In the mornings I walk with my dad.  We’ve been doing this for several months although now as the weather moves to winter I have a feeling we will have to suspend it until the spring.  But they have been great months and I just realized today how lucky I am to have this.  Mostly I have focused on the negative of having my parents down the street from me  but I get it now.  It must mean so much to them to have us close.  And then I start to think, why change it? Why am I in any kind of rush to change this?

Today my Sunshine is 6 months old.  My niece turns 6 years old on Saturday.  My sister is dead and I am celebrating Thanksgiving with my husband’s family this year.  Everything is different.  The only thing that is constant is the pain and sorrow and joy at what my life is that runs through my veins.  See that?  There is joy in the midst of all the pain.  Strange how that happens.

11-20-2008

She would have turned 37 today.

Thoughts

Not sure what it is but I am terrified of losing my family.

I’m scared of a car crash, home invasion, some kind of accident that will take away all the things I love.  It’s not enough to make me into a total hermit, it is just something that is on my mind constantly.

Over the weekend here, there was a horrific 3 car accident where a mother and her 8 year old son died.  The father was in critical condition and the 2 year old son was ok.  This morning I was reading a follow up article about it online and saw a picture of the family and it brought me to tears.

I thought I wanted to die when Jen died.  I couldn’t imagine anything hurting more.  Now that I have a child, I can only vaguely begin to imagine the pain my parents feel.  The thought of something ever happening to my daughter leaves me breathless, just as I am when I watch her tiny chest rise and fall with every breath as she sleeps in my arms.

Letter

Dear Jen,

Mom and Dad are on a much needed vacation.  In the afternoon, while Rob is at work and Ash is still at school, I go over to your house–yes, it is still your house, even though it seems we all go through great pains not to call it your house, instead referring to it as “Rob’s house” or “Ashley’s house.”  I go there to let your dogs out, the poor things, they are like my cats in that they  need some serious attention.  The house is calm and quiet.

Yesterday I did something I’ve not done in a while.  I went into your room and into your closet.  I looked at all of your clothes still hanging on the hangers, your sweaters folded on the shelf, your shoes, some still with price tags on them.  The dress Ashley wore in my wedding as flower girl still hangs beside your shirts.

I ran my hands along these clothes.  I put my face into your blue linen shirt and I inhaled, to see if I could still smell you.

It felt wrong to be in there but I just couldn’t help it.  I felt like I was trespassing because you’re not here anymore so it’s just Rob’s room now, with one pillow on the bed, although it is still on his side.  Your side is empty.

I don’t really go over to your house too much anymore so yesterday was the first time I noticed that Rob had taken down your wedding photo that used to be on top of the tv.  Then I saw he had taken down the photo of you and me from your wedding that used to be on the mantle.  As I surveyed the kitchen, I realized your pictures were gone from the fridge.  I don’t know what that all means.  Maybe it’s what he needs to do to help his days.  There are still lots of pictures of you in other rooms of the house and a lone picture of you on the dresser in the bedroom.  But most of your things that were on top of the dresser have been put away.  It was virtually empty, except for that one picture of you, one of Rob and one of Ashley.

Your birthday is soon.  I miss you so much.  Why did this happen?  Where are you?  Why did you leave me?  I know you didn’t do it on purpose and I’m not angry at you I just miss you so fucking much and my lonliness is overwhelming and unbearable on my best days.

Love, me.

Misc

My parents are going out of town so I’ll be in charge of picking up my niece at the bus in the afternoon and watching her until her dad gets home from work.

Sunshine is amazing.  She’s finding her voice and discovering splashing in the tub.  I got soaked the other day and could only laugh at the look of wonder and amazement on her face.

My sister’s birthday is in a few weeks.  She would have turned 37 this year.    We would have gone out to dinner and had cake.  Tasty chocolate cake.  Instead, my niece is asking me what will happen if her dad dies, where will she stay, who will take care of her.  This is my sad reality.  It wasn’t supposed to be this way.

I wonder if, when my brother-in-law looks at my daughter, he thinks about all the things he has lost—his unborn child, his wife, his family, his life.  It’s not just her life that was lost that day.  A piece of all of us died.