Pics

Some of my recent favorites…

Sunday Night

Back home now and decompressing after the trip.  Was a fun time, nice to see my husband’s side of the family and for them to see my Sunshine.  I was happy to wake up in my own bed this morning and I’ve kind of been in a daze most of the day, trying to dig myself out from piles of laundry and receipts and baby gifts (clothes, books and toys).  My dogs came back from the kennel, bounding around the house before crashing in their respective spots for extended naps.  The cats went back into their hiding spots and I am hoping to get back on my diet (which isn’t really a diet, just me not eating a bunch of crap) and back on the treadmill.  Easing back into life in the last few days of this year and feeling a giant imaginary clock countdown to the New Year.

I feel the memories slipping sometimes.  Last night I dreamed about my sister but she couldn’t see me.  The entire time I was trying to talk to her but she was unaware of my existence.  I sometimes wonder if the opposite is true…could her spirit still be here, could she be near me and I don’t even know it.  All those thoughts and questions that have no answers, just things I spend countless hours wondering about.

December 24, 2008

We drove to my in-laws late last night, arriving well after everyone was asleep, way past my bedtime (of 10:30 PM at the latest, yes I know that sounds lame) and my Sunshine was a trooper on the trip, sleeping the whole way. I’m lucky to have such an easygoing baby.

Today my MIL made me coffee and my husband went out and got us lunch. Later he and I will go to my SIL’s house to bake cookies for Santa with my 5 year old nephew and tonight we’ll have Christmas Eve dinner. So far the only glitch is the ice and snow on the roof is causing some sort of leak through the roof in the den.

My Sunshine is sleeping on a pillow on my lap as I type this on my Blackberry (forgive my spelling errors). When my husband said he wanted one in August I scoffed but it makes my life so much easier. I can stay on top of my emails now because sometimes I can barely crack the laptop to check the news. I remembered to bring some creature comfots from home–my ipod and some travel speakers I found in my basement (I always have soothing music playing in the nursery; my favorite is Iron and Wine, who I have been listening to constantly but never grow tired of his soothing voice and slightly haunting melodies), some magazines I have been meaning to read since September, my laptop and a brand new Baby Einstein DVD (a Chanukah present from my niece and BIL) and my hand lotion because between the cool weather and constantly washing my hands, everything is so chapped.

All this to say I’m in a place I love visiting, with people I care about very deeply and I’m feeling the holiday spirit.

Even though I never celebrated Christmas with my sister, she was on my mind last night as I stared out the window at the black sky. I feel her absence so much these days…so very much.

Trying to let go of the emptiness for just a moment to reflect on what I DO have. Wishing away any pain you might have this holiday season for those you may have lost and hoping for love and joy across the miles.

Friday

Today is rainy and dreary.  I would love to stay home all day and cuddle with my daughter and my dogs.  My poor cats only cuddle with each other now.

Except I promised my niece I’d go to her school today and help build gingerbread houses with her class.  She made a comment that she’d probably be making hers with her teacher since no one would be there to help her.  That crushed me.

In the days and weeks after my sister died I thought nothing would ever hurt more, that the pain would never, ever subside, that it would always hurt that much and the sun would never shine again.  I’m not saying it doesn’t still hurt because it does, an indescribable pain, an emptiness and lonliness that may never cease to exist within me.  But sometimes it doesn’t hurt quite so much and I can’t tell you how shocking that is to me.

I cry in the shower because my tears mix with the streaming water and it makes them less noticable.  Rainy days remind me of my darker moments but if I can make this one day brighter for my niece then I will do what I can.

Thursday Morning

Hanging around in my sweats, debating on whether or not I feel like going for a walk.  It’s not raining but it’s also not quite 40 degrees.  I may think it over some more over another cup of coffee.

We’re going to my in-laws for Christmas and I think it will be really nice to get away.  This time we’re driving so I can pack as much as I want and lug all the fun baby things in the trunk instead of having to carefully weigh my suitcase as I try cram three people’s stuff into one.

My parents are also going away for a few weeks to the land of warm weather and plentiful sunshine.  I’m not jealous because we have a trip planned there for February, right when I think I can’t take any more of the cold weather and (probable) snow.

I’m getting ahead of myself thinking about that trip.  I need to concentrate on the one in the near future, my baby’s first Christmas and the days we’ll spend lounging with her grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins and the extended family as well.

Happy Holidays.

Sunday Night

I’m lonely tonight.  Wishing I had someone to talk to.  One person to call just to hear their voice.  A voice I can only hear in my mind these days.

What is it about loss that is so isolating?  Why does it feel safer to keep it inside, close to me, away from prying eyes?  Why do I alternately feel sympathy for and anger towards my brother in law?  No one is perfect.  I just wish we could all get along better.  I’m tired of hearing my mom vent to me about how rude he is to her and my dad.  I’m sick of hearing him talk about how someone did this or that, knowing that the someone he is referring to is one or both of my parents.  I’m afraid to lose him and my niece but I also wish they would move and perhaps be able to build some semblance of a life.

We all miss her.  We are all trying to cope with the emptiness and sadness that permeats our lives.  Life can be lived and things can bring joy but there is still a hanging cloud of sadness.  That cannot be denied.  I can hope and wish until I am blue in the face and it won’t bring her back.

I’m just left in the middle with my own thoughts.  Things that never see the light of day, secrets I share with my daughter who can’t understand what I am saying.  Such is life.

Photo

Our 2008 holiday card photo.

Wednesday Thoughts

It has rained all day and I’ve sequestered myself inside with my Sunshine.  We’ve sang, danced, bounced in the jumparoo, baked, bathed, drooled, sat and cleaned.

These days she babbles and I swear she says “mama.”  She is saying it but not on purpose, also spewing “bababa” and other sounds that her mind has recently clicked on.  The path of solids continues, moving from rice cereal to oatmeal cereal to sweet potato puree.  I’m undecided what vegetable I should move to next.  Peas?  Carrots?

I’ve been making videos of her to share with family and friends and they are a hit.  Everyone loves to see how she is growing.

Today I rocked in my rocking chair missing my sister more than anything.  Thinking she’d be happy to be here and see this.  I saw in my mind all of us gathered around her hospital bed.  She was dead and I held her hand in mine until it grew cool.

I hope when I die, all of this will finally make sense to me.

Sunday

It’s freezing and blustery outside.  I swept a light coating of snow off the deck this morning and vowed not to go outside again if I can help it.  My morning walks with my dad are on hiatus until spring.  The doom and gloom of winter has set in.

On a somewhat morbid note, the reason I want to be creamated is because I cannot stand to think of what is happening to my sister’s body as it lies beneath the ground.  I know, scientifically, what is happening and whenever I let my mind wander into that corner, I quickly back away and move on.  It makes me cringe.

My second holiday season without her creeps up on me.  Thanksgiving was rough, saved by my Sunshine who was overwhelmed by the crowd at my in-laws, so she and I spent the majority of the night alone in our room.  It was there I was able to reminisce and visualize years past.  I told Sunshine about one of my favorite Thanksgivings, right after my sister and her husband had bought their first house, where we ate an early dinner and then lounged on the couches watching Toy Story and other animated movies.  It was a very relaxed, peaceful and comfortable holiday.

I’m thinking next year it will be my family and my parents, starting a new tradition.

These days I am spending a lot of time on the floor, helping my baby sit up and balance, handing her toys and tickeling her belly while she laughs.  I sing songs and we dance in the kitchen.  My voice is off key but she loves it because it is mine and that is the most incredible feeling.  She is tired/sad/cranky/needs comforting and I can make it better (for now.)  It is everything I never thought it could be and has made all the difference.