Vacation Photos

laughing

see the cherrio?

cute

smile

side smile

on the bed

sun hat

sunset

hot tub

sunset

boys on the beach

Home

Back home and reacclimating to life.  Piles of laundry, papers, bills and hundreds of digital photos await.  I’m slowly trying to wade through it all.

Nice to be away.  Weather was gorgeous and time with family was fun.  Sunshine had some trouble adjusting to the time change but overall she did great.  No problems on the planes and people actually complemented us on what a good baby she is.  We just smiled and said thank you. We already know she’s a wonderful baby.

It is also nice to sleep in my own bed and have my dogs with me.  I miss them terribly when we’re away.

She turned 9 months old yesterday and can now crawl and sit up on her own.

I will post some photos soon, hopefully by the end of the week.  In the meantime, here’s a link to a video my friend Drew made for his application for The Best Job In The World.  There are 34,000 applicants for this job and some pretty incredible videos, and maybe I’m biased , but I think Drew would be an incredible asset.  He’s smart, funny, hard working, personable, good looking, cool as a cucumber and an overall nice guy.  The perfect combo, if you ask me.

Stuff

We’re going away in a day and a half and I feel like I have SO much to do.  Our travel day will be very long, as it begins with a 3:30 AM departure from the house for the airport.  Then two flights before we land in warm, sunny places for almost two weeks.  Yes, two weeks away from miserable winter.  I can hardly contain myself.

What that means is that I most likely won’t be posting.  I will have the means but I will be too busy soaking up the sun and enjoying the time with my family, taking photos of my daughter in her first bathing suit, her little toes in the sand and little body in a raft in the pool.  For the first 6 days it will just be me, my husband and my Sunshine; then, my SIL and my nephew will be joining us for a week.  I am excited about spending time with the two of them.  We’ve gotten very close over the past two years and while she can never replace Jen, it is nice to have a sister-type person in my life.

So that’s that.  I’ll be back in a while.  Be well.

Article

I just finished reading a news article that said the combination of two certain chemo drugs (key word: combination) used to fight colon cancer not only didn’t work, it actually made the cancer worse–by not working–and making the patients “more miserable.”

Just so happens that Jen was on these two drugs together at one point.

I feel sick.

UPDATE, Thursday night:  I know I can’t be angry at anyone for this.  The doctors probably did not know considering this is just now coming out and Jen has been dead for over a year.  It just sucks and was really hard to read.  Would she have lived as long without the drugs? I don’t know…maybe not.   Would her quality of life have been better?  Well, depends on how you look at it.  She would have felt better so that’s a positive.  But she could have potentially had much less time with all of us, so that is a negative.  It’s not something that can actually be discussed because that part of the story is done and over and you can’t what if the past.

The point is that none of that matters anymore.  I don’t want to harbor any anger about her treatment.  I’d rather focus on her life, her smile, my love for her and how much I miss her.  I know it sounds strange to focus on missing her but it is such a part of my daily existence, I don’t really have a choice.  Especially now that I’m a new mom, I constantly look at my Sunshine and wish I could talk to Jen about all of this.  I have so many questions for her about navigating this path.  And also just wishing she could share this with me.

Tuesday Night

I really need to go to bed…been up since 5:15 AM with the baby who only took one nap today (and it was a short nap) and I’m wondering how to prevent that from happening again.  Not fun.

Thinking about Jen.  Last night I fell asleep clutching my heart shaped necklace that bears her name, hoping to dream about her.  I see her face in my mind constantly but it’s always still images.  I want to feel her and interact with her.  I am occassionally still shocked and surprised that I have to live the rest of my life without her.  It seems like such a long time.  And will I see her again when I die?  These are the questions.

I miss her so much.  My life is full because of my Sunshine and I don’t know where I’d be now without her–she is truly my blessing in disguise–but that doesn’t take away or diminish the emptiness.  I will say that it has lessened slightly over time but that feeling of MISSING someone so badly…I don’t think that will ever go away.  And how do I even put that feeling into words.  I can’t.

Smiles

If you wish for it, it may come…today’s high was 48.  The ice is melting and I went for a walk outside.  Beautiful.