I have been trying to write here for a week. My Sunshine is full on crawling now and also pulling herself up on anything she can get her hands on. I spend a lot of time on the floor. This leaves me with very little time for anything else other than following her around and lending a helping hand when necessary. By the end of the day (which typically begins at 530 AM) I am exhausted and mostly need to space out to something rather than concentrate on anything.
Our trip was good but stressful and exhausting too. Travelling cross country alone was just as I’d imagined–not horrible but not without its problems. We spent the week with my in-laws and my SIL and my nephew which was nice–always good to see family–but Sunshine doesn’t know them that well. Combine uneasyness of new surroundings, clingyness of stranger anxiety, mixed up sleep schedules due to time change and the lack of safe, secure loving hands of her daddy and you have a recipe for lots of tears and anxiety for her and a lot of extra work for me. But we made it and coming home was incredible for both of us. I have never felt happier to be part of a pair.
Mother’s Day is next week. I wonder if my mom will want to celebrate with me. Last year we didn’t do anything because my mom was depressed and missing Jen and I don’t really care for these holidays. I can’t help but wonder if she will make an effort because it is my first Mother’s Day. I am going to ask her over for dinner and we’ll see if she accepts. (Of coure my dad, husband and baby will be there too.)
There is a reason my Sunshine cries when I drop her off with my parents and it’s because they don’t really see her that much, despite living 2 blocks away. She doesn’t really know them. I have tried to spend more time with them but I feel as though they should make an effort too, so I’ve backed off some. They should WANT to come over here and play with her and sometimes it feels as though they are so obsessed with my niece, there’s nothing left over for us. It’s not something I feel I should have to bring to their attention; they need to see it on their own. And if they don’t? Well, everyone loses.
I’m not bitter. Just recognizing, again, my place as number 2 in their minds. I, and the family I am creating with my husband, will always be second. That’s how it is and I don’t think anything will ever change that.
My Sunshine turns one year old in 3 weeks. I am truly amazed at what a big, strong and independent baby she is–in the comfort of our home. No words can ever express how grateful I am to have her and to be living this life with my husband. It has its ups and downs but it is a life worth living. Jen would want that and I do it for her and in her honor.
