I’m trying to concentrate on celebrating the day for my husband, his 2nd Father’s Day, but there is a nagging feeling in me. The past two days my own dad has been acting funny, with a tightness to his voice and an incredible lack of enthusiasm or interest in the dinner we’re planning to have at our house.
I think at first it’s because he’s upset that my husband has put his foot down and refused to have Father’s Day dinner with my BIL. Usually my husband is very easygoing and will do things for the sake of the family but he is so angry at my BIL right now that he doesn’t want to see him at all. He says it’s my Father’s Day too, why should I have to spend it with him and cook for him when all he does is disrespect you and your parents and make you cry? I don’t disagree.
I finally ask my mom if my dad is ok and she starts to cry. She says yes, he’s fine and it’s not that he doesn’t love you, he loves you very much, it’s just a really hard time without Jen and it makes you not want to celebrate. She felt the same way on Mother’s Day.
I don’t know how they feel. I can try to put myself in their shoes but I really have no idea how deep their pain is. I know I shouldn’t take it personally but it’s still a slight slap in the face. My mind tells me that there is no comparison between me and Jen and in death they don’t love her more; their loss is immeasurable. The whole thing hurts every which way.
I can’t even begin to describe how horrible my BIL is acting right now and I will not get into it because it makes my blood boil. If I never saw him again I would be just fine, if that says anything. I worry about my relationship with my niece and just have to believe my husband when he says she’ll come back to you when it’s time, when she’s ready, when she wants to know about her mom.
I am her family and nobody can change that.
