Saturday

Cloudy and rainy here the past few days.  For me, there is always a certain gloom tied to the weather.  I try to keep my head up and smile anyway; thankfully I have a little bundle of laughter to help with that.  My Sunshine grows stronger each day, teetering on her feet, two steps here, five steps there, wobbling across the living room from the recliner to the couch, maneuvering around the dogs and their bones strewn across the floor.

Her mouth is wide, probably a mirror of what she sees on my face daily.  I am constantly exclaiming “WOW!  GOOD JOB!” to everything she does, my jaw hanging down in awe.  I sit on the floor with my arms open, waiting for her to stumble into them so I can envelope her in a big hug and she wraps her little arms around my neck tightly for a brief moment before she pushes me away, turns around and tries it all over again.  Pretty amazing stuff.

It is truly a wonder to see her mind at work, how she interacts with toys and mimics my actions.  A few months ago I used a horse puzzle piece to gallop across the floor while singing horsey things and it didn’t take her long to pick up on that.  She has 2 horse puzzles and 3 mini horses and all of them gallop regularly.  I put some sea animals in her little play oven and call it dinner; she follows by also stuffing a small cow in there which I proclaim as steak.

We have at least 8 reusable water bottles and I have one with me at all times.  She is obsessed with my bottle, trying to figure out how it opens and closes and how can she drink from it.  It didn’t take her long to master the Camelbak straw; pretty soon I will be able to leave her sippy cup at home (one less thing for me to carry!)

Each morning I strap her into our jogging stroller (yeah, less jogging, more walking) and we walk the dogs, one at a time around the block.  She kicks her heels and squeals with laughter as they drag us down the street.  The lab on the corner barks at us every day and my hound mix whines to go play while the baby imitates the deep bark.  I thought that dog was a boy until a few weeks ago.

Every day brings the same routine but with new discoveries.  Today, for example, she is actually napping IN THE CRIB and I have an hour to myself.  I almost don’t know what to do.  But we all have to be quiet which is virtually impossible with three boisterous dogs and two mildly annoying cats.  So I’m lounging on the bed while the fan swirls overhead, listening to dog snores, stretching my legs and waiting for the sound of her sweet babble over the monitor.

2 Years

Dear Jen,

Today is 2 years since you died.

The day you took your final breath lives in my mind frozen as a series of still images.  I was wearing jeans and a long sleeve t-shirt.  It was sunny and hot outside but the hospital was freezing.  There was a banquet in the room where I accidentally nodded off, minutes before you flat lined and Kyle shook me awake.  We stood around your hospital bed, your husband on the right, our parents on the left, me and Kyle at the foot while they tried to revive you.  Mom was moaning your name, tears streaming down her face and I was silent, in shock, watching this unfold in front of me, my sister, dying, my husband with his arm around my shoulder, hugging me tightly.

Time has creeped by since then.  I can’t imagine why you are gone, why do I have to spend the rest of MY life living without YOU.  WHY IS THAT THE WAY IT IS?  I want to scream all the time.

So much has happened.  My Sunshine is here; yesterday she turned 15 months.  At night I rock her before bed, her head resting on my shoulder and I can’t help but think of you.  You are always on my mind.

Now that I’m a mom, I can feel an inkling of what you must have felt in regards to your daughter.  The thought of being sick and dying, of having to leave my baby,  is enough to make me feel a desperation I’ve never known before and yet, this is what happened to you.  That must have been so terrible for you.  Hours before you went into the hospital you whispered to me about the possibility of hospice.  How did you get there in your mind?  You had resigned yourself to understanding that you were going to die, that at some point you would never see your husband and daughter again.  I wonder, did you think it would be that soon?  I sure as hell didn’t.

Your daughter is starting first grade this week.  She is such a great kid and I adore her so much.  I miss the little girl she once was; I know you would be so proud of who she has become.  Initially I was so scared that she would grow away from me but I know that isn’t going to happen.  I know she loves me so much.  She always asks to come over and play and I feel so guilty that I can’t accommodate her requests more often.  Even though your husband has withdrawn from us, she is still very much a part of our family.  I hope you can take comfort in that.  No matter what he does, she will always be a part of us because she is a part of you.

So much of who I am is tied to you.  There is the old me of our childhood when I worshiped you and tried to emulate you in every way and as we grew up and became friends when I relied on you and turned to you for advice.  Then there is the new me, the person I have become since you got sick and I lost you.  I am a shell of my former self, a sad and hollow person with a heavy heart who is  also filled with love and happiness, thanks to my growing family.  In words it seems impossible that all of those feelings can exist in one person.  I swirl with opposite emotions daily.

There are so many things that remind me of what I have lost.  I just miss having you here, miss talking to you, laughing, eating sushi, going shopping, laying out in the sun, musing, reminiscing, being sisters and friends.  Life is a lot more lonely now without you.  I miss our bond.

I know I should be grateful for the time we had together and I am.  I’m also so angry that it was cut short.  I love you and miss you every minute of every day.

Love, me.

Last Night

My husband’s sister is visiting and a discussion turns into a fight.  Rather than make it worse he walks away.  It’s late so I take the dogs out and join him upstairs.  He is seething and I go into the bathroom to brush my teeth.  As I stand in front of the mirror I see my heart shaped necklace that bears my sister’s name curled up on the counter.

I never take it off but I did today.  His sister and I went to the spa to get massages (oh god.  glorious.) and I decided to leave it at home.

I put it around my neck and am overwhelmed with tears.  My sister is dead and I will never see her again, never hear her voice.  My husband’s sister is alive and in the next room and he is angry, rightfully so.  I don’t want him to hear me so I put my hand over my mouth and lower my head, stifling my sobs as my body shakes.

I didn’t need to wash my face, as I’d had a late shower, but I turn the water on anyway, to wash away my tears.  I stare into the sink as the water runs, mechanically wash and rinse, bury my face into the towel and breathe deeply.  Sitting on the edge of the tub, staring at the wall, I brush my teeth for too long, trying to pull myself away from my pain so I can be present to help him with his.

August 10, 2009

Today is 1 year since my uncle died.

I drove to the cemetary today with red gerber daisies for the two graves and pushed the stroller over the grass, looking at all the new headstones that have been erected since the last time I was there.  I don’t go that often, not for any particular reason….just don’t go.

I stood before my sister’s headstone, brushed the leaves from the top, spoke in a soft voice as I rearranged the wilting roses my parents had left weeks earlier to make room for the new flowers.  A few spaces down I put flowers out for my uncle, said how much we miss him, how big my Sunshine is and how much he’d love watching her grow.

A 45 minute drive and I was there maybe 10 minutes.

Today is my parents wedding anniversary, a lengthy 41 years.  I spoke to my dad but my mom never called me.  I don’t feel hurt.  It’s not my day for that.

Unwinding

Home today from a super quick trip this weekend to visit my husband’s grandparents who moved with his aunt and her family to my hometown last year.  I was also able to squeeze in a few visits with my uncle too and that was nice.

We were scheduled to leave early Saturday so I was up and showered at a ridiculous hour.  Just as I was getting my Sunshine up to change her, the phone rang, nearly giving me a heart attack.  In a surprise move, Delta was calling (automated) to say our flight had been delayed.  That was good because last week was a really shitty week and we were all really tired so my husband was able to sleep a little longer.  Unfortunately for me, Sunshie was UP! and ready to go so we ended up having breakfast and then went for a drive (that’s code for her naptime, kid won’t sleep in the crib during the day anymore, much to my annoyance.)

By the time we arrived at my husband’s aunt’s house I was really tired but the excitement of seeing the family, the new house, my daughter’s great-grandparents and their dog was enough to keep me going.  We had my uncle over for dinner both nights.  I drove around, visiting my old haunts, looking at where my old house used to be (torn down and replaced by something really ugly), driving by my high school and admiring the new buildings while envisioning my 17 year old self sitting on the porch.  A nice but short trip down memory lane.

We left very early this morning, curving through downtown on the way to the airport, leaving my past in the dark shadows.  Sunshine slept the entire flight and I was happy–HAPPY!–to be back in my house with my pets and my routine.  It only took 5 years for that emotion to grow.  I still hate this place but some days I guess I hate it a little less.

All Clean

Colonoscopy was mostly normal.  Doctor did remove one polyup but doesn’t see any cause for concern and said I’ll see him in 2 years.

Back to my regularly scheduled programming of eating, thank you!