Thinking

One thing that I find myself thinking about over and over is how I don’t think my Sunshine will ever have the type of family bond with her aunts and uncles that I want for her.

My sister’s death has destroyed any relationship we have with her husband.  Of course I adore my niece and we have a very special kinship that I am certain she holds dear.  But overall, I know my Sunshine will never have a cozy family relationship with my brother-in-law and my niece as a unit, although I do hope that my Sunshine and my niece will be close.

So that’s strike one.

On the other side are my husband’s brother and sister.  I try not to go into a lot of detail about them here because although we are family, they are not truly my family and I hesitate to divulge too much information.  I will say that my husband and his siblings have never had the relationship that Jen and I developed.  As an outsider to my husband’s family I was always shocked by that.  I was raised to believe that family is close and siblings should protect one another, be there for each other.  Of course I understand that not everyone can achieve that and I know how truly lucky I am to have been able to have just a taste of it.

That doesn’t stop me from wishing so much that things could be different.  As the years pass my husband and his brother drift further apart; this only serves to widen the chasm that exists between our two growing families.  Sometimes I feel closer to people I have barely known than I do to my brother and sister-in-law and their 2 year old son.  I can only imagine that I will also feel more like a stranger than an aunt to their new baby.

When I first started dating my husband, he didn’t speak to his sister.  To me, this was absolutely foreign.  I could not wrap my head around it.  Through much persistence I was able to convince him to reach out to her and from there they have been able to mend some fences and reestablish their relationship.

I know she cares about us.  She and her son, my 6 year old nephew, have been down to visit us more than anyone else in the family since my Sunshine was born.  But there is always something that keeps her and my husband from being 100%.  Their relationship is full of peaks and valleys; it is an imperfect monster.  When things are good they are great but when they are bad it is not pretty.  It is unfortunate.  While I know not to trust her fully, I really do care for her and always only want the best for her and her son.  I just adore that boy.   I feel (hope) that we will always have a relationship with them, it just won’t be what I see in my head as how I want it to be.

And in the next breath, I’ll say that I understand and accept that things will be this way.  I mourn the difference between what I want and what truly exists.  Just as I mourn my sister daily.  At least if she was here, I’d have one out of three.

Um…hello?

I know things have been quiet around here.  I have been juggling my new schedule of almost never seeing my husband and caring for my Sunshine plus all the pets.  By the end of the day I am totally wiped out and honestly, there is not much going on in my mind.  It’s just a bunch of mush up there right now.

I’m trying to keep the dogs exercised, going down to visit my husband at work 3-4 times a week, lots of laundry, some cleaning, etc.  It doesn’t sound like much but it is wearing me out.

We did find a very nice babysitter but unfortunately it didn’t work out.  We required a flu shot for employment and she didn’t want to get one.  It was an amicable split but it sucks anyway.  I’m looking again for someone nice and capable that my Sunshine clicks with.

So that’s it from here.  Nothing new, same old stuff.

Today

Tears in her voice, she says he has gone through some of Jen’s stuff.  There are two sealed boxes waiting for charity pickup and do I want any of her shoes?  The sealed boxes contain just pants, he had said.  I told her to open the boxes.  We have every right to go through her stuff.

An hour later she calls back.  It’s not just pants she says.  He’s a liar.  She doesn’t know what time the charity is coming and do I want to come over and look through her clothes?

I pack up my Sunshine.  A few minutes later I’m sitting on the floor, surrounded by my sister’s pants, shorts, pajamas, running clothes, bathing suits, t-shirts.  A lot of the clothes I have never seen and I don’t want to wear her old clothes.  But then I unearth a stack of t-shirts that mean a lot to us as a family and my mom loses it, overwhelmed with tears and rage.  An old bag, faded with use, is stuffed in the bottom.  I want it but I let my mom take it.  I keep one t-shirt, a long sleeve shirt that I also had but wore so much that it basically disintegrated.  Hers is also worn and faded.

We finish taping the boxes closed just as the charity pulls up.  I go home and put my Sunshine in her play area then I stand in the kitchen and smell her t-shirt, hold it close to my chest, hug it and close my eyes as my tears fall silently down my cheeks.