It’s not just a bag. It’s a bag I gave Jen as a bridesmaid’s gift with her name embroidered on it.
I don’t know why I didn’t think about it before. I just forgot. Now I want it and I can’t get her husband to answer my emails about it. It’s probably gone although I’m clinging to the hope that he didn’t get rid of it. I want it.
I’m so upset with myself for not remembering to ask for it.
My mom emailed me earlier:
I’m sorry that you are so upset about the bag. I do have notes that you wrote to Jen when you were little. She saved all of them and they were beautiful notes and important to her. I will give these to you. Also, don’t forget, that she named her most treasured possession after you and that can never be taken away. If she did not love you dearly, she would not have named Ashley – Ashley Elizabeth.
She is right. It just hurts. I have so few things that were hers.
One time I looked through her bedside table when I was in the house alone and found a small journal she wrote in. I read it but didn’t take it. I should have. It’s probably in the trash. He threw away so much.
I was talking with a friend today who reiterated what my husband always says: when Ashley is ready, she’ll come back to me. I haven’t lost her forever. She knows how much I love her and she will want to know about her mom and I have the answers. No one can take that away. Jen is my sister, she is Ashley’s mom and no matter what anyone says or does, nothing will ever, ever change that.
I want to take my anger and mash it in his face. I’m so fucking angry. I try to not put this kind of negative energy out into the world but I can’t hold on to it because it is eating me up inside. I want to scream in his face How could you let all those things go? Tell me what she meant to you. His actions make me feel like he didn’t care at all even though I know he did. I am disgusted by him.
Well. Now that I’ve gotten that off my chest, we’ll see what comes back to me.
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Dear Jen,
I’ve been walking around for days with a blank look in my eyes. I can’t meet anyone’s gaze because I’m afraid they will see what is swimming inside me. My eyes brim with tears constantly and I cried twice yesterday.
When I let myself think of you, really really think of you, I feel like I’m sinking into a deep dark pit, that it hasn’t been four years but only four minutes. It is still so raw and painful.
Today while I walked the dogs I thought about how I can’t wait to see you again and I almost fell to the ground. I truly believe I will see you again one day and the thought of your face, your hands, a hug, your voice…it floors me. I want it now. I don’t want to have to wait the entire rest of my life.
My heart is with you all the time. I hope you can feel it, my undying love for you. I love you and miss you every single day, always and forever.
Love, me.
