Letter–Reading You

Dear Jen,

Today I did a thing, something I don’t ever do because it hurts too damn bad.  I went into the folder of my email with your name on it and read every single one.

There aren’t more and I think there should be.  I wonder to myself why.  I am a serial deleter, though.  Wish I’d saved more.

I read them for a long time while my little Monkey slept in my lap.  My heart was beating so fast and I was filled with so much sadness.

There are so many days when I wish I could turn to you; every single day I have the thought of needing to talk to you.  You are always the first person I think about reaching toward and my mind goes blank when I realize you are gone.  Who else do I reach for?  I turn back to myself.  There are so many things I want to share with you and you are gone.  Sharing them with others doesn’t feel the same.  Sometimes I feel like I’m on the edge of a black hole.  It is just me, no one else, empty and alone.  My thoughts are my own, they stay with me; without you, they remain a whisper on my lips.

I wonder if you are watching me.  When you are watching me.  Do you see my good moments?  Are you with me in my bad ones?  I want to be strong for you and show you that I can try and do this, that I can live without you, that my front is strong enough for everyone to see, my pain and sadness far enough away from the surface that they can’t.  If I let it up, I will surely crack.  This year will be six years, six tiny ripples in the rest of my life.  I have never missed anyone so much before, never wanted anything so badly as to have you back, here with me.  I haven’t wondered WHY lately but right at this moment, I do.  WHY.  Why you, my sweet, beautiful sister, keeper of my memories.

I read the emails and could hear your voice.

I love you and miss you each and every day, always and forever.

Love, me.

One Response to “Letter–Reading You”

  1. Jessica Maree Says:

    I feel the exact same way about my sister. I’m so glad I took the time to read this post. Not just our sisters, but our best friends. Lately I’ve been finding myself bottling up problems etc because she was the only one I liked to talk to about things. It’s scary. But I find comfort in knowing I’m not alone. And please know you’re not alone either. Sending my thoughts and love…

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