Today I did a thing, something I don’t ever do because it hurts too damn bad. I went into the folder of my email with your name on it and read every single one.
There aren’t more and I think there should be. I wonder to myself why. I am a serial deleter, though. Wish I’d saved more.
I read them for a long time while my little Monkey slept in my lap. My heart was beating so fast and I was filled with so much sadness.
There are so many days when I wish I could turn to you; every single day I have the thought of needing to talk to you. You are always the first person I think about reaching toward and my mind goes blank when I realize you are gone. Who else do I reach for? I turn back to myself. There are so many things I want to share with you and you are gone. Sharing them with others doesn’t feel the same. Sometimes I feel like I’m on the edge of a black hole. It is just me, no one else, empty and alone. My thoughts are my own, they stay with me; without you, they remain a whisper on my lips.
I wonder if you are watching me. When you are watching me. Do you see my good moments? Are you with me in my bad ones? I want to be strong for you and show you that I can try and do this, that I can live without you, that my front is strong enough for everyone to see, my pain and sadness far enough away from the surface that they can’t. If I let it up, I will surely crack. This year will be six years, six tiny ripples in the rest of my life. I have never missed anyone so much before, never wanted anything so badly as to have you back, here with me. I haven’t wondered WHY lately but right at this moment, I do. WHY. Why you, my sweet, beautiful sister, keeper of my memories.
I read the emails and could hear your voice.
I love you and miss you each and every day, always and forever.