Letter—It’s a Strange Kind of Feeling

Dear Jen,

June is upon us.  My big babies each had birthdays last month, turning 5 and 3.  My Sunshine asks for you often, saying she wishes she could have met you and how sad it is that you died before she got a chance to know you.  I know sweetie, I say.  I feel the same way.  It IS sad.  I’m not going to lie about that.  It’s very sad that you died.  I think about that every day.

This eye thing is so fucking annoying and I really need to vent about it so here I go.  I’m so fucking pissed about it.  I’ve been all over the place, seeing doctors, taking tests, only to receive a diagnosis whose treatment is forcing me to stop breastfeeding.  I found out Tuesday that tonight will be my last night.  I’m so angry and sad.  I’m also really scared.  I love that time with my little Monkey so much and I’m really unsure of how to recreate it.  It is all we have known for these 11 months.  (Side note:  11 months!)  But really, I just love sitting with him on my lap cuddling me.  He gazes up at me and puts his hand on my face and lately his feet too.  He plays with my moles and sometimes pulls my hair.  His two bottom teeth are starting to poke through and he has taken to biting me the past few days so I guess I won’t miss that.  I’m mostly mad about people saying, Oh, you’ve gone this far, you should be proud of that, look at the start you gave him, etc.  True.  I just don’t like having it ripped away from me so suddenly.  It’s about more than just the caloric intake from the breastmilk.  I want to fight it but I can’t.  The alternative would only hurt everyone in the long run and I don’t want to do that to our family.  The sadness is kind of overwhelming and I have to push it down or else I will burst into tears at any moment.

That being said, tomorrow I have to get a needle stuck in my eye and I’m not paying any attention to that part at all because I feel like if I do, I am going to freak out about it.  So I’m pretty much ignoring that and being all la la la, no big deal, needle in my eye, no problem, I got this, doctor says I need an eyeotomy.  Ha ha.  Kind of like when I was in the MRI machine and I opened my eyes and then almost had a panic attack.  I had to focus on my breathing and put myself in a happy place to make it through after that.  I’m just trying to breathe and focus on my happy place right now.  My beautiful almost 11 month old son is crawling–fast!– and he is amazing and adorable with such a sweet temperament.  Everyone who sees him or meets him always says what a happy baby he is and how good natured he seems and they are right.  I am so fortunate.

My Daydream’s hair is long now and so curly on top.  It is beautiful with his bright red color, I just love it.  He has such a cherubic face and sweet yet devilish way about him.  I love the way he kisses and hugs me.  I don’t love the way he throws toys at Sunshine and his temper flares.  Watch out when he gets angry, I’ll tell you what.  Yikes.

I’m feeling a little better now.  Thanks for listening.  If you were here, I know you’d listen to it all, so writing to you feels like an extension of that.

I love you and miss you every day, always and forever.

Love, me.

One Response to “Letter—It’s a Strange Kind of Feeling”

  1. Jennie Says:

    Sorry to hear about your abrupt end to the nursing, and your eye issue. I hope they get you cleared up soon! I would imagine that anything that major with your eye would be painful, so I hope you get some relief. These kids are growing way to fast, aren’t they?

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