Well, today is here. 6 Years.
I just wrote a bunch of shit about how much the last week sucked because the kids and I are all sick but I accidentelay erased it. Probably a sign to quit my bitching. I’m going to try to be more positive overall. I don’t know if I have always been a downer–I’m kind of serious and don’t laugh that much. Whatever the case, I want to be sunnier. I will do it, not only for me, but for you too. Since you are not here to live your life, I try to do the things I know you would.
This 6th year without you is a weird one because I’m now your age when you died. I can’t help but think, each and every day, about dying. What if I was dying? (This goes directly against being sunnier, I know. This is all in my head though, so no one hears about it.) How could I go through my days knowing they were coming to an end? At the end you did know. You said hospice but died a day and a half later.
Last night I counted the number of days between today and your birthday. 88 days. Then I counted back from my birthday 88 days until I landed on the day I would die if I was exactly your age. Morbid, I guess. I don’t know. I just felt like I NEEDED to know what day would be my last day on this earth to be exactly as old as you were when you died. Because now, the day after that day, I will officially be older than you ever were. And I will keep going up, up, up until the day I die. You will always be my older sister and I will always be the younger sister but 88 days before my birthday I will eclipse you in this life.
That has been really hard for me to accept.
I don’t want to be older than you. I don’t want to reach all the milestones you never got to. I just want you back.
All my days take me away from you. They take me away from everything and propel me into my future with my family. It’s a great life but fuck fuck fuck I wish you were here to be a part of it. No matter how amazing and happy and exquisite and joyous my days will be, your absence will always loom. I’m not 100% anymore and I never will be. I love what I have and miss what I have lost.
I love YOU too, each and every day, always and forever.