Letter—6 Years

Dear Jen,

Well, today is here.  6 Years.

I just wrote a bunch of shit about how much the last week sucked because the kids and I are all sick but I accidentelay erased it.  Probably a sign to quit my bitching.  I’m going to try to be more positive overall.  I don’t know if I have always been a downer–I’m kind of serious and don’t laugh that much.  Whatever the case, I want to be sunnier.  I will do it, not only for me, but for you too.  Since you are not here to live your life, I try to do the things I know you would.

This 6th year without you is a weird one because I’m now your age when you died.  I can’t help but think, each and every day, about dying.  What if I was dying?  (This goes directly against being sunnier, I know.  This is all in my head though, so no one hears about it.)  How could I go through my days knowing they were coming to an end?  At the end you did know.  You said hospice but died a day and a half later.

Last night I counted the number of days between today and your birthday.  88 days.  Then I counted back from my birthday 88 days until I landed on the day I would die if I was exactly your age.  Morbid, I guess.  I don’t know.  I just felt like I NEEDED to know what day would be my last day on this earth to be exactly as old as you were when you died.  Because now, the day after that day, I will officially be older than you ever were.  And I will keep going up, up, up until the day I die.  You will always be my older sister and I will always be the younger sister but 88 days before my birthday I will eclipse you in this life.

That has been really hard for me to accept.

I don’t want to be older than you.  I don’t want to reach all the milestones you never got to.  I just want you back.

All my days take me away from you.  They take me away from everything and propel me into my future with my family.  It’s a great life but fuck fuck fuck I wish you were here to be a part of it.  No matter how amazing and happy and exquisite and joyous my days will be, your absence will always loom.  I’m not 100% anymore and I never will be.  I love what I have and miss what I have lost.

I love YOU too, each and every day, always and forever.

Love, me.

3 Responses to “Letter—6 Years”

  1. Carroll McNeill Says:

    Entirely understandable to complain about family-wide summer sickness, Liz — especially when you have three to deal with and are under the weather yourself!

    Very strange indeed to be contemplating the onset of becoming older than your sister got to be,. Another milestone.

    Ongoing hugs to you, dear girl!

  2. Jennie Says:

    I have 2 more years until I reach the point where you are, since Eric was 8 years older than I. I’ll never forget that my Mom put “age 38″ in the obituary, even though he wasn’t quite 38 yet. I hope you are all feeling better, and that you are having an easier time finding the sun. Some days it is a very hard thing to do, but those amazing children of yours can probably help a lot.

  3. Jessica Maree Says:

    Thank you for writing this… My sister died one year ago in October and I have felt so alone, not knowing anyone who has lost a sibling.. It’s the reverse for me, I am the oldest, she was the younger of the two. My sister was just 15 and I’m finding it hard to be sunnier too. I try and try, but I miss her so very much as we were so close and did everything together. All the things in life she’ll never get to do.. I can’t imagine what it would be like to lose an older sibling. Just know you have touched my heart, knowing, I am not alone. I (hopefully) can find a way… Best wishes to you and your family

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