Dear Jen,

Today is your 42nd birthday.

We made brownies to celebrate but the day was strange and it didn’t happen.  Daydream went down for his nap and never woke up and now he is still sleeping and I’m sure I will see him at 4 AM like I did when this happened last week.  I have no idea what the fuck is going on with him.  He wakes up too early, refuses to go back to bed, is exhausted all the time, and is testing every ounce of my patience and limits.  It is driving me fucking crazy.  He’s a sweet little boy and I love him dearly but I do not like to be around him right now becasue he makes me so fucking mad and I cannot control my rage.  It is awful.  I know I need to chill and just let it go or ignore him but it is so hard.  I guess my own sleep deprivation isn’t helping.  We are caught in an ugly, vicious cycle here of being exhausted and quick to anger and it is a complete fucking mess.

Anyway, back to you.  Sunshine made a celebration from her little kitchen cupcakes and ice creams and we sang to you.  I gave her a little brownie square but I abstained because I’m trying to do another Whole30.  I’ve had such an awful day though, Jen.  I thought it would be ok, it’s your birthday, a day for more contemplation but really just another day.  And maybe at another time that would have or could have been true.  But all of the shit that I’m dealing with has made it impossible for me to have a good day and today was no exception.  Everything that could go wrong, did go wrong.  I yelled too much and cried in the bathroom when Daydream stuffed a bunch of toilet paper down the toilet and overflowed it.  Sunshine came up behind me and touched my leg and said Are you crying Mommy?  as I stood in the bathroom with my face in my hands, sobbing.  Do you want a hug? she asked. I knelt down and gave her a hug and thanked her for making me feel better.  She said she understood, that sometime she felt that way when her toys break.  She’s such an amazing kid, Jen.  They were both really excited it was your birthday today, excited to sing and eat brownies.  I can’t remember how we celebrated your last birthday you were alive but I’m sure it involved cake.

My little Monkey is walking now and is so damn cute but shit, he is going through some awful stuff right now with his teeth and I am so stabby because of it.  After we sang to you, he clapped and smiled then played the drums on the table.  He’s a joy if I could just get his sleeping under control.  Of course, I have no control over that and that is what makes it so tough.  He ends up in my bed most night just so I can get some fucking sleep and not sleep sitting up in the rocker which is just awful.

So tonight I held out until after Mom and Dad left and all the kids were tucked in then I thought ugh, fuck it and ate half the pan of brownies.  Today is your birthday and you are dead and you know what?  Fuck the Whole30.  I’m going to fucking eat brownies and drown my sorrows in food today and satisfy the receptors in my brain that are crying for something to make it better.  Tomorrow is another day.

I miss you.  I talked to Ash today and she sounded good.  I miss her too.

I’ve been having an awful time lately and I wish so much that you were here.  I need to talk to you so badly.  I’m going through this all alone and I wish I had you to lean on.  I miss hearing your voice.

You are in my thoughts constantly.  Not just every day but so many times during the day.  My heart aches to have you back.  It is so lonely without you.  These days I feel like a ghost of myself.  I feel so joyless and defeated.

I love you and miss you each and every day, always and forever.

Love, me.

2 Responses to “Letter—11/20/13”

  1. Jennie Says:

    I am sorry you are having a tough time right now. I hope things improve soon! With the kids, just remember that it is all temporary. The annoying, sleep-deprived phases will go away. It is an awful feeling when you are living it, but it won’t last forever.

  2. Jessica Maree Says:

    Thinking of you. Hoping your finding spaces in the sadness to smile. Best wishes as always.

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