Last Night

My husband’s sister is visiting and a discussion turns into a fight.  Rather than make it worse he walks away.  It’s late so I take the dogs out and join him upstairs.  He is seething and I go into the bathroom to brush my teeth.  As I stand in front of the mirror I see my heart shaped necklace that bears my sister’s name curled up on the counter.

I never take it off but I did today.  His sister and I went to the spa to get massages (oh god.  glorious.) and I decided to leave it at home.

I put it around my neck and am overwhelmed with tears.  My sister is dead and I will never see her again, never hear her voice.  My husband’s sister is alive and in the next room and he is angry, rightfully so.  I don’t want him to hear me so I put my hand over my mouth and lower my head, stifling my sobs as my body shakes.

I didn’t need to wash my face, as I’d had a late shower, but I turn the water on anyway, to wash away my tears.  I stare into the sink as the water runs, mechanically wash and rinse, bury my face into the towel and breathe deeply.  Sitting on the edge of the tub, staring at the wall, I brush my teeth for too long, trying to pull myself away from my pain so I can be present to help him with his.

August 10, 2009

Today is 1 year since my uncle died.

I drove to the cemetary today with red gerber daisies for the two graves and pushed the stroller over the grass, looking at all the new headstones that have been erected since the last time I was there.  I don’t go that often, not for any particular reason….just don’t go.

I stood before my sister’s headstone, brushed the leaves from the top, spoke in a soft voice as I rearranged the wilting roses my parents had left weeks earlier to make room for the new flowers.  A few spaces down I put flowers out for my uncle, said how much we miss him, how big my Sunshine is and how much he’d love watching her grow.

A 45 minute drive and I was there maybe 10 minutes.

Today is my parents wedding anniversary, a lengthy 41 years.  I spoke to my dad but my mom never called me.  I don’t feel hurt.  It’s not my day for that.

Unwinding

Home today from a super quick trip this weekend to visit my husband’s grandparents who moved with his aunt and her family to my hometown last year.  I was also able to squeeze in a few visits with my uncle too and that was nice.

We were scheduled to leave early Saturday so I was up and showered at a ridiculous hour.  Just as I was getting my Sunshine up to change her, the phone rang, nearly giving me a heart attack.  In a surprise move, Delta was calling (automated) to say our flight had been delayed.  That was good because last week was a really shitty week and we were all really tired so my husband was able to sleep a little longer.  Unfortunately for me, Sunshie was UP! and ready to go so we ended up having breakfast and then went for a drive (that’s code for her naptime, kid won’t sleep in the crib during the day anymore, much to my annoyance.)

By the time we arrived at my husband’s aunt’s house I was really tired but the excitement of seeing the family, the new house, my daughter’s great-grandparents and their dog was enough to keep me going.  We had my uncle over for dinner both nights.  I drove around, visiting my old haunts, looking at where my old house used to be (torn down and replaced by something really ugly), driving by my high school and admiring the new buildings while envisioning my 17 year old self sitting on the porch.  A nice but short trip down memory lane.

We left very early this morning, curving through downtown on the way to the airport, leaving my past in the dark shadows.  Sunshine slept the entire flight and I was happy–HAPPY!–to be back in my house with my pets and my routine.  It only took 5 years for that emotion to grow.  I still hate this place but some days I guess I hate it a little less.

All Clean

Colonoscopy was mostly normal.  Doctor did remove one polyup but doesn’t see any cause for concern and said I’ll see him in 2 years.

Back to my regularly scheduled programming of eating, thank you!

Prep

So while I’m hanging around the house, staying within a dash of the bathroom, I thought I’d recount a (not so funny at the time but now is kinda funny) story of my first colonsoscopy.

After I flew home from 10 days on the east coast where Jen was finally diagnosed with colon cancer, not pancreatic cancer, first on my agenda was get a colonscopy.  I found a doctor and fastracked the appointment because we were gearing up to move.  And for whatever reason, my friends and I decided that the day before my prep we’d go out and have some drinks as a little good-bye tour of our favorite haunts by the beach.

In retrospect, this was obviously the WRONG day to get together.  Having been through this twice, going on three times, I now know what to expect and just how terrible the prep day is.  At the time, though,  it seemed fine.

So we met for afternoon drinks, mostly wine, which basically turned into a wine tour of the area.  We walked all over town, having a glass here, a glass there, a bite to eat at another place and meeting up with more friends along the way.  Fast forward 8 hours and I am hammered.  Fast forward more time and it is suddenly 2 AM and I’m still not at home.  And then I get home and I am as drunk as can be.

So you can imagine what the next day is like, right?  HANGOVER FROM HELL.  Plus, I couldn’t eat anything and I spent the day in the bathroom either wanting to throw up, wishing the ground would open and swallow me whole, pooping (because this is what it’s all about, emptying the colon so you can imagine what is going on here, yes?)  or laying on the cool floor wishing I had not been so stupid.  What a day.

Then the next day was the colonoscopy and all I remember about that is turning my head slightly as the anesthesia is kicking in and weakly saying “thank you” to the doctor.  I woke up in some strange room, my husband took me home and I spent the rest of the day in my bed with the blanket over my head.

How different things are now.  I joked last night to my husband about bringing home a bunch of beer so we could get drunk together before my prep day.  He’s home from work and watching the baby.  My in-laws are driving down now and will stop by later to see my Sunshine so she’s not totally blindsided by them tomorrow.

Gotta go.  Lack of food is making me want to vomit and the laxative is kicking in.  Awesome.  I love this.  (Sarcasm is dripping off everything here, reminiscinet of a Dali painting of melting clocks.)

Minutia

Rough start to the week here.  Sunshine turned 14 months on Friday and teething started to kick our asses Saturday.  My baby went from sleeping soundly through the night to waking up at 930 PM, just as I’m getting ready for bed (yes, lame, whatever) and she has been inconsolable.  Translation: she won’t stop crying and I end up sleeping in the rocker with her in my arms.  My neck hurts and I haven’t slept hardly at all the past 2 nights.

BUT, each time my mind goes to a place where I say to myself ugh, I am tired of this, I wish she’d just go to sleep and stop crying every time I try to put her back in the crib, I think of these people who recently lost their baby daughter and I stop myself.  These are hard days for us but it is NOTHING compared to not having my baby here with me.  I’ve been rocking my baby to sleep and my heart is sick for them.

I can’t know what they are going through and I hope I never will.  Losing Jen has put such a hole in my heart, I don’t know if I would ever recover from anything else.  I try not to think about any of that…those dark “what ifs” don’t do me any good.

I’ve been missing Jen so much lately.  I think about how much has happened since she died and how broken my family is now.  My BIL and niece live their own life and I rarely see him and could care less.  It’s like a light bulb went off in his head and he realized that he didn’t have to pretend anymore that we’re family.  He doesn’t come to my Sunshine’s 1st birthday party, doesn’t send my niece like I asked (giving him an out to not have to come since I knew he didn’t want to be here) and then he sends me a birthday card with an itunes card in the mail.  Please.  Don’t bother.

My parents are blinded by my niece and their obsession with everything she is, monitoring her life so closely in hopes to undo what they feel her father doesn’t.  Does that make sense?  They think he is teaching her nothing so they try to teach her everything.  But they forget what is happening with me and my little family and I have come to accept it.  I don’t resent them or their actions.  I understand this is what they have to do to get through this phase of life.  The day I stopped asking things of them and began to expect nothing was the day I stopped crying because they let me down again.  I am better now although I am still sad that they don’t see my Sunshine.  It is what it is.  I am powerless to change the situation and I don’t want to try anymore.  My energy is better focused in other directions.

This Thursday I have my bi-annual colonoscopy.  I typically don’t feel nervous.  I’m more annoyed by the prep and I’m hoping my Sunshine will have worked out her sleeping issues by Wednesday.  It will be a terrible day anyways and it would be super if I don’t have to sleep in the rocker again.  But if that’s the way it is, then so be it.  I’m not really a cry-it-out type of mom.  I did that tonight when she wouldn’t go down at bedtime and listened to her cry for 45 agonizing minutes before she fell asleep.  I know I’ve got to get some sleep too and that’s the only reason I let her go like that.  Hopefully I’ll get at least a partial night’s sleep in my own bed tonight.  Here’s hoping.

Friday

This week is drawing to a close and unfortunately, I have little to show for it.  Been tired this week and buried under clouds and rain, trips to the vet with my lab mix and watching my Sunshine explore the world from two feet.  She isn’t walking quite yet but she likes to stand up and just hang out with a slight sway.  Today she is 14 months.

Next week is busy with doctor appointments, in-laws visiting (to watch Sunshine while myhusband and I are at doctor’s appointments) and everyone here leaving town for an end of sumer vacation.  Also an old friend’s birthday, which I won’t be celebrating with him but sending all the best across the miles.

Typically I’m not a reconnect-with-my-past type of person.  I prefer to leave things where they are and not stir the memories.  But this has been different.  Being back in touch with this friend has really enriched my life and brought me a lot of joy in being able to pick things up again as an older and wiser person, see pictures of his kids and have a relationship that, while is mostly over email, is still a friendship.  We’ve tried to meet up on several occassions but it has never worked out, not in the 3 years we’ve been back in touch which is a shame but I know it will happen one day.

Today I’m off to the gym, courtesy of my husband who watches the baby and has generously rearranged his schedule so he can be there for me when some others can’t.

A Girl and Her Dogs

Thoughts

I’ve taken the last few days to mull over the new pregnancy and to let it sink in.  I’m not angry or jealous anymore.  I don’t feel anything and I’ve decided to stay out of it as much as possible.  Yapping about it within the family would only serve to fuel the fire.  I’ve discussed it with my husband and gotten my feelings out in the open which has been helpful.  Yes, I will still have to feign happiness but I’m not going to bitch about it to anyone else.  Except here because they don’t read it and it’s my page.

Baby is teething like crazy and had a bit of residual nighttime anxiety after Chicago but that has evened out and we are back to business as usual.  A neighbor two doors down recently rescued a 2 year old boxer and we’ve been having play dates with the dogs.  Basically he is very high energy and they are not used to it at all, since their current dog is 14 and pretty crotchety.  So I’ve been bringing my hound mix over to play and yesterday the boxer came to my yard and ran with 2 of my 3 dogs (one dog was having her teeth cleaned) and it went very well so we will be doing that more often.  Sunshine has inherited my love of dogs which pleases me to no end.  She squeals with laughter as they tear around the yard and jump over each other, her tiny voice drifting into the wind and echoing off the trees.

Weekend

So I was in Chicago earlier this week visiting Claire and her new baby…and my baby looked so big in comparison.  But she’s still my baby, my little girl.  Her teeth are finally starting to come in and she can’t walk yet.  She is still a baby, just not a newborn.

It was a tough trip.  Claire is still finding her way with the baby and my Sunshine is wary of strangers and strange places.  It was hard for me to put her down and she cried a lot.  When I returned home, the emotional weight of those days finally released and I was a wreck.  But I have recovered and it was also nice coming back just in time for the weekend with my husband.

About 10 minutes before I got in the car to go to the airport to come home, my husband called me and said “SIL is pregnant.”  “NO!” I replied.  “Yes,” he said.

My response?  “That fucking bitch.”  Then I started to cry.

I don’t know what came over me.  The tears sprang to my eyes and rolled down my cheeks before I could even comprehend what was happening and then I was hanging up the phone and sobbing while Claire asked me, in an alarmed voice, what was wrong.  All I could choke out was that SIL was pregnant and I should be happy for her but instead I was crying and very, very angry.

Besides the fact that I feel them getting pregnant right now is totally irresponsible (for reasons I won’t get into, it’s really not important and is stuff that should stay within the family), I’m upset because we wanted to start trying to have another baby in the fall, after my bi-annual colonscopy at the end of July.

My husband and I are both the youngest and we both feel sometimes that we get the shaft.  I really wanted to have the 2nd child first, not only because I want more children, but because I selfishly wanted to be in the spotlight for once.

It has been hard for me to be in second place.  First I was behind Jen, the firstborn, and now I’m behind my niece.  On my husband’s side, his brother and sister get a lot of attention and we’re always just on the edge, doing fine, not needing anything.  It’s nice to not need anything except maybe a little attention every now and then.

And it all goes back to this…someone to vet to, to cry on, to share my anger with…my sister.  But she’s gone.  And this only serves to cement how alone I feel sometimes.

I will be happy about the pregnancy eventually.  A life created is nothing short of amazing.  But I won’t force myself to be happy for them until I’m ready.  I will quietly seethe and feign the appropriate emotions for the family and keep it all to myself, where it belongs.